He grieving process In children and adolescents is a natural event of adaptation, both emotional and psychological, that we cross people when a loved one dies.
The grieving process does not understand ages, so children, adolescents and adults suffer the pain of losses, although the Experience, compression and manifestation of grief varies according to age.
Process of mourning according to the age
Next, you will see how the concept of death evolves and the process of mourning as a function of age. These concepts evolve along with the Subject, so that at older age, greater comprehension and complexity of the duel.
Knowing these differences helps parents, families and close people to better understand the attitudes and behaviors manifested by children in Duel, which allows them to help them work out the loss.
The duel of 0 to 3 years
At this age the child does not understand the meaning of the word death or the consequences of the fact that a person dies, however, If he is capable of feeling the absence of his loved ones.
That is, at this age the child perceives the death of a person in his absence and in the changes that occur in his daily routine. The child perceives That Mom no longer gives her breast, that Dad no longer changes diapers, that Grandpa no longer plays with him...
The child responds to these changes with the resources he has at this age: leaving sleep, stop eating, crying more often than before...
To reduce as much as possible the impact of the loss, the most important thing is to continue with the routines, schedules and customs of the child, so that this note As little as possible that the beloved person is no longer with him.
In this age group, death is an emotional disturbance due to the absence of a close person.
From 3 to 6 years
At this age the child understands death as something temporary and reversible, believes that a person who has died sooner or later will live again.
The concept of temporality and reversibility translates into the belief of the child that the deceased will wake up, and is that he conceives death as when He goes to sleep at night and wakes up the next morning to go to school.
What he does not understand is that to die means that the vital functions cease, which together with the previous causes the child to believe that the deceased, where Is still breathing, eating, thinking... and that at some point will return.
This idea is fueled by the magical thought that accompanies this stage, which makes the child does not differentiate well the reality of that which Imagine.
Nor does he understand that death is universal and that sooner or later we will die. When the child is so small he believes that neither his parents nor he will die.
When we tell the child the news we must use a clear and realistic language to talk about death and should never lie, what if You must do is adjust the explanation to your level of understanding.
The child may not react to the news, not show any sense of sadness or respond to it with any inappropriate questions. Nothing happens, This reaction is totally normal, it means that the child has not yet accepted or assimilated what happened. He needs time.
At this age the child tends to ask about what happened, so it should be answered.
You must first ask yourself what you know and clarify those misconceptions or doubts that may arise during the conversation. At this age they tend To ask where the deceased is exactly, if he keeps eating, breathing, sleeping...
We must also make it clear that we are all going to die one day when we are"very, very, very old." Using the word"very"several times gives you the Feeling that there is still much to his death and that of his parents, which reassures him.
You have to be careful with the explanations given, because at these ages everything is interpreted literally.
The expressions"is in the sky","is resting","is gone"... only generate confusion and concern in the child, so it is better to say that the Dear person is dead, followed by a conversation that clarifies your doubts and reassures you.
Once he understands what happened, it is very normal for him to suffer regressions, that is to say that he pees back in bed, to suck his finger, to want to sleep With parents... These behaviors are normal although if they persist in the time it is advisable to consult with a specialist.
Another group of very normal behaviors that parents usually worry about is the fact that the child plays someone who has died, recreating Through play a burial or a funeral mass.
This type of games, although at first may seem macabre and unpleasant, are totally normal, in fact, is one of the ways that has the Child to work out the duel, so we can consider them healthy games.
From 6 to 10 years
In this stage a very important evolution takes place towards the real concept of death, finally conceiving it as something natural, definitive, Irreversible and universal.
It is at this stage that the child can begin to participate in ceremonies and rites of farewell (go to the funeral, burial, funeral...).
The most important thing in regards to the farewell ceremonies is to explain in advance what is going to happen, such as where you are going to go, How people will react... in this way the child will go more calm and will understand everything that happens around him.
When the child is informed of the death, it may react by denying reality, which is a totally defense mechanism Normal and means that the pain you feel is so deep you can not cope with it.
You can also respond to the news by idealizing the deceased. This idealization is another way of not facing reality, because only Remember the good aspects of the person, while ignoring the bad or unpleasant.
To overcome grief it is necessary to recognize both the positive and negative aspects of the deceased, that is, to be realistic with what we remember.
As in the previous stage, in this it is very important to listen to the minor's concerns and to dialogue with him in order to reassure him and Solve your doubts.
One of these concerns arises from the understanding of the meaning of death, which can generate in the child a great feeling of fear and Worry about the possibility that he and his family and friends may die.
Another concern is the culpability Which the child may feel after the death of a person close to him. You may believe that he is the cause or, Less, which has had something to do with that death.
This is due to the child's egocentric vision of the world at this stage, which believes that everything revolves around him, which is normal at these ages.
The important thing is to exculpate him and make him see that death has been due to natural causes, which he has had nothing to do with.
10 to 13 years old
This stage is known as preadolescence, and in it the child is no longer so child, has matured and already understands perfectly the concept of death, is Say, knows that it is a natural, definitive, irreversible and universal fact.
This maturation also affects the understanding of the consequences that derive from the death, that is to say, the child is already aware of the impact Emotional that causes the death of a loved one in his relatives as well as in himself.
When the news that a loved one is deceased communicates to him, he understands what has happened and understands the pain felt by all those affected, but Usually does not have the resources to manage the situation properly.
At these ages, the most common thing is that he does not know how to deal with all that storm of emotions he feels after a death, which causes a blockage in the Preteen
This blockage translates into difficulties in verbalizing what they think and difficulties in expressing what they feel. He does not know how to do it.
To help you channel that emotional torrent you must speak with sincerity of what happened, listen to what concerns you, resolve your doubts, Reassure him, make him see that his world is going to stay the same (he will continue going to school, playing with his friends, etc.).
It is also very important to emphasize the idea that despite the pain you feel now and even though it seems impossible at this moment, you can leave Go ahead and overcome what happened, and that you are there to help him in everything he needs.
It may happen that in a first approach the child does not want to talk. Nothing happens. In this type of situation it is best to tell you that whenever you want Talking will be there and leave you alone if you want. He should not be forced to speak.
If the child expresses his desire to participate in the farewell rites, he should be allowed to take part in these activities. Dismiss the deceased and the grief will be better elaborated.
Process of mourning in adolescence
In adolescence the concept of death and the consequences of a death are already perfectly understood.
When communicating the news of a death to the adolescent, he may at first vent and rely on us, but the most He is likely to seek help and understanding from his friends.
In this stage the pairs are one of the most important pillars of the teenager, since in them he finds support, understanding, relief, fun... the Parents move to the background as far as communication is concerned.
In adolescence it is also very common for the child to fantasize about death. This mechanism is a way of assimilating everything that happened, although in Many occasions can cause them great anguish.
That fantasy can lead you away from reality. As far as death is concerned, that distance would translate into the idea of the adolescent That nothing is going to happen to him, that although he takes risks he is safe, he is not going to die.
For this reason it is very important to make the teenager understand that if he carries out dangerous activities that endanger his life, such as Driving drunk or using drugs, can die, that no one is immune to the dangers of life.
When talking to the adolescent about death will not need as many explanations as in the previous stages, which at this stage is It needs to give its own opinion, since it is a very important maturation stage where the personality of the adolescent is forged.
In order to make the duel more fluid, we must integrate the adolescent into the farewell rites and allow him to spend time with his friends.
conclusion
As you can see the experience of grief is not the same in childhood and adolescence as in adulthood. The concept of death and the experience of Duel changes, but the idea is the same: to make a loss with the resources available.
Duels have been shown to affect children and adolescents more because they do not yet have the defense mechanisms, coping strategies, Emotional strength and maturity necessary to deal with a situation like this.
For this reason adults play a crucial role in the elaboration of the duel of the little ones, accompanying them and guiding them along a path that Still unknown.
References
- Doka, K.J. (1995). Children Mourning, Mourning Children. Routledge: New York.
- Goldman, L. (2000). Life and Loss: A Guide to Help Grieving Children. 3rd edition. Routledge: New York.
- US End-of-Life Information Webpage (http://hospicefoundation.org).
- Website that helps children in grieving process (http://grievingchildren.org).
- Website that is aware of the needs of grieving children and adolescents (http://www.nationalallianceforgrievingchildren.org).
- Website that is mainly characterized by offering support and bringing together children, adolescents, adults and families who are going through a grieving process in order to help them (http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources/how -to-help-a-grieving-child).
- Silverman, P. R. Kelly, M. (2009). A Parent's Guide to Raising Grieving Children: Rebuilding Your Family After. Oxford University Press: New York.