A Marriage crisis Constitutes a problem of personal relationship very peculiar and at the same time, very complicated to manage. However, marital problems can be solved as long as both sides of the couple want and strive to improve the situation.
In this article we will discuss 8 marriage tips for marriages in crisis that can be helpful for many couples who have already tried to act to solve their problems but have not seen results.
How do marital crises originate?
Before going on to comment on the 8 practical tips that can serve to improve and / or resolve conflicts in marriage, I would like to briefly comment on the role of psychology in the management of this type of problem.
And the study of marital conflicts has increased explosively in recent years in the field of psychology.
Data show how the total number of marriages gradually declines over the last few years.
Likewise, the age at which the marriage is contracted has increased, the number of total births is decreasing and the number of separations and divorces is increased.
In fact, an increase of separations and divorces of 25% in the last five years connotes, to the point of reaching almost half of the total number of marriages contracted in the last two years.
Thus, marital problems are today a phenomenon that has been fully established in the marital relations of our society.
Considering the remarkable destabilization that these situations produce in the people who live it, the study of marital crises has become one of the pillars of current psychotherapy.
In this sense, different experimental models have been constructed that try to explain the origin and the reasons for the emergence and maintenance of marital crises.
Of all of them, it seems opportune to comment briefly on the four cognitive-behavioral models that have been most used in the design of therapeutic plans for the resolution of this type of problem.
A) Reinforcement exchange model
One of the fundamental theoretical premises is the one that maintains that a low rate of mutual exchanges of gratifications explains and predicts the subjective sensation of malaise and complaints within the interpersonal relation.
In other words, satisfaction or conflict within the couple relationship will be a direct function of the rate of positive and negative exchanges.
Thus, Oregon suggests that couples in conflict use less rewarding elements and more punitive elements than couples without conflict.
B) Deficit in the strategies to produce changes in the other
It argues that couples in conflict are not only different in terms of the rate of exchange they experience but also differ in their capacity to solve problems and to make the changes they wish to produce in the behavior of the other.
According to this model, those couples who conflict do so, not because they necessarily face more problems or more serious problems, but because they present lesser skills to solve them and deal with them in an effective way.
C) reciprocity
Harmonious couples are distinguished from those conflicting not only in the exchange rates of reinforcements and punishments, but also in the relationship between the efforts initiated by one and the other.
Gottman and his collaborators demonstrated this in detail. Punitive behaviors?? And dislikes, are returned immediately, while positive behaviors do not so much.
D) Cognitive elements
Behavioral approaches to marital therapy emphasize the functional relationship between environmental aspects and the subjective elements of each partner.
Thus, marital satisfaction in the relationship is considered both a cognition and a reflection, albeit imperfect, of the quality of the daily events that make up the relationship.
Weiss and Isna conclude that point behavioral aspects better reflect what both partners value as satisfying within the relationship as global cognitive assessments.
From these 4 models it is extracted that"what is done"within a couple ends up being key to determine the quality of the relationship between both members, so that to overcome a marriage crisis it is very important that we focus on this aspect.
Tips for marriages in crisis
The following explains 8 behaviors that we can make to try to solve a conflictive conjugal and recover the quality of the relationship with the couple.
1. Empathize
The first step you have to take to overcome a marriage crisis is to start Empathize with your partner.
Put another way, you must be able to put yourself in the place of your partner, understand their situation and understand how you can feel before each event.
We have commented that the basis of the good functioning of a marriage falls within what is done within the relationship, but the behavior that is carried out should not be framed at an individual level but integrating the two components of the couple.
In this way, you must be able to identify how you see things and how you feel about different situations, but at the same time, identify what your partner's own reactions are.
You can do a lot of work to improve a marriage situation but it will not work if you do not consider the feelings and needs of your partner.
So, in the face of any discussion or conflict it is very important that you be able, on the one hand, to detect how you interpret it but, on the other hand, how you interpret it and how your partner feels.
In order to be able to do this effectively, you only have to do the Mental exercise To imagine how you would feel if you were your partner.
There are probably few people who know your spouse as well as you do, so if you make the effort to put yourself in their place, you can easily identify how you feel and how you interpret each situation.
2. Spend time improving communication style
As we have seen in explanatory models, most marital crises are not based on ones own Problems in what can be seen immersed a couple But in their capacity to solve them.
In this sense, one of the main factors that can make difficult the resolution of marital problems is framed in the communicational style. That is, how we express and communicate our opinions or thoughts to the other person.
Many times we pause to reflect on these issues, since the communication style we have with our partner we build slowly and we get used to keeping it.
However, this way of communicating can be the source of all the evils of the marriage relationship.
Identify how you express your thoughts to your partner and work so that they are not offensive or conflicting.
Anything can be communicated in many ways so if we do not make the least effort we can be able to express the same in a more affable and less offensive way.
3. Increase positive exchange
Another fundamental aspect reviewed in the explanatory models of marital problems is based on positive exchange.
In this way, the couple can fall into a routine where the positive stimuli they receive from their spouse are extremely scarce.
When this happens, the couple is in a frame where solving their problems will be much more complicated because they will not have positive aspects that can diminish the effect of the negatives.
So even if your marital situation is not the best at the moment, work together to build situations where both of you can receive positive stimuli from the other.
Plan activities that please both of you and situations that you used to enjoy, so that you can do them often and benefit from the positive exchange that can give you those moments.
4. Learn to handle unexpected hostility and bad mood
If you can increase the positive exchange between the two, the negative aspects will probably begin to have less impact on your married life.
However, in the day to day, thousands of situations can arise that provoke hostility or bad mood of unexpected form.
Knowing how to control these emotions is vital as they can have a very negative effect on the relationship.
So, in the face of situations that enervate you, you stop to think for a few seconds the repercussions that can lead to respond in a hostile or bad mood.
It is probably not worth it, and being able to retain the momentum and express your feelings in a more relaxed way is the best solution both at the individual level and at the conjugal level.
Actually, carrying out this exercise is a rather selfish practice. "What will benefit me most, to release my hostile urges I have right now and be grumpy with my partner for a week, or get hold of him and have marital well-being during this time?"
If you think so, both partners will come to the same conclusion. It is always healthier for both the couple and each of the members to avoid unmotivated conflicts.
5. Express feelings
However, the couple does not have to fall the error of not expressing feelings, both positive and negative.
If you try to omit conflicts and not express what each one feels, the couple will"accumulate"all unresolved situations, Confidence will decrease And sooner or later it will happen.
In this way, so much so that you can perform the exercise of empathizing with your partner so that she can do the same with you, it is important to express the feelings.
However, the expression of feeling, both positive and negative, can be realized in multiple ways.
It is important that you strive to do it in a quiet and respectful way. Probably the best time to express a feeling is not the moment the emotion has taken over you, but after a few minutes, when you are calmer and you can communicate in a healthy way.
6. Consider your partner's needs
If we express feelings in a healthy way, on the one hand we avoid offensive situations and, on the other hand, we can empathize and understand how our partner feels.
So, if we are able to know how each situation interprets our partner, we can detect what their needs are.
At this point, we must begin to consider what their needs are and how we can meet them.
However, this work should not be done in a unidirectional way, that is, it should not be done by only one member of the couple towards the other, but must do it both at the same time.
In this way, a very beneficial exercise is to make strategic pacts. That is, if a member of the couple has the need"X"and the other has the"Y"need, the satisfaction of both needs can be agreed upon.
In this way, neither will be giving or will be working more than the other, and at the same time, will increase the positive exchange of the couple.
7. Work together to solve problems
As we have said, the basis of marital conflicts are not usually the problems themselves, but the ability of the couple to resolve discrepancies. However, everything is easier if you solve the problems of marriage.
It is very important that this aspect is not done separately and both partners of the couple work together to solve potential problems.
Sit down to analyze the problems that lurk your relationship and pose possible solutions to reach an agreement that can materialize.
8. Remember good times
Finally, a last exercise that is usually very beneficial for marriages that are in crisis is to remember good times.
You probably have a long time sharing your lives and, even though you are living in bad times now, you have lived many better ones.
Remembering these"good times"together will give you both thoughts and feelings that your partner has enough potential to be well, so your motivation to solve problems will increase.
References
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- Ochoa de Alda I. Approaches in systemic family therapy. Barcelona: Herder; nineteen ninety five.
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