Do you have trouble trusting your partner and want to stop being jealous? Are you often jealous? Do not you like to see your partner talk to others?
If so, you could use it to learn How to control and overcome jealousy , As it is one of the problems that can ruin relationships and your quality of life.
Next I will explain the keys that you have to know to handle them and avoid them and to have a healthy relationship again and without unnecessary conflicts.
1-Why are we jealous?
There is still controversy among scientists about whether we are jealous of our socialization In a given culture or by evolution . However, it seems that evolutionary theory has more adepts and indeed makes a lot of sense.
According to Evolutionary psychologists , Jealousy began to evolve more than a million years ago. The men had to take care that their women did not go with others to avoid losing them or having to feed a child that was not theirs.
On the other hand, the women had to worry that their men did not go with other women, since they provided resources. Even less when they were pregnant, a very risky situation.
As researcher Gary Brase says University of Sunderland
"Men can not be sure if the child the couple expects is theirs, so jealousy is born as a way to protect genetic inheritance. It is important for the male to prevent the female having sex with other males because in this way it is ensured that the offspring is only his. Women, on the other hand, invest a lot of time and energy in pregnancy, childbirth and child care, for them it is necessary to prevent the couple from falling in love with another and leave it alone with the children.
Therefore, it is normal to be jealous, although to a certain intensity and without harming others; What is is not normal is that jealousy Interfere with your relationships , That you try to Control others or what Worsen your quality of life and well-being .
Important:
When I refer to jealous persons, to be jealous and how to handle them during the article, I will refer to Pathological jealousy . Pathological jealousy is experienced by people who behave in a tyrannical, controlling or dominating way and who do not realize their actions on others.
It is what is known as Cello people . If you believe that you comply with any of these characteristics you should take action to overcome it; already We are not in prehistory and we are more civilized people;). On the other hand, having lots of jealousy is not proof that your partner loves you.
A competent and trusting person is incapable of being jealous of anything. Jealousy is a symptom of insecurity .-Robert A. Heinlein.
Some symptoms of experiencing negative jealousy:
- You are constantly thinking about what the other person is doing.
- When you see your partner talking to others you can not bear it.
- You spy on your partner (in person or on the smartphone) because you feel jealous of being with someone else.
- You do not like your partner to go out with his friends and you want him always with you to"not lose him".
- You control your partner in any way so that you can watch him and prevent him from doing what you suspect.
The goal that you must pursue is to be aware of those jealousy and to feel them to the minimum level. If you have recurring negative thoughts (eg"where you are"is"fooling around with that girl"), simply let them go without reacting impulsively, feeling bad or hurting others.
2- Insecurity and jealousy
The main thoughts that create the reactions of jealousy come from a Negative image about himself . To correct that low self-esteem and insecurity, it is not necessary to change completely as people, but to change that false image about yourself.
It is not enough for you to be aware of your thoughts, but to be able to observe them, to know how they affect your reactions, and finally, to change them.
In this sense, I advise you to read this article on How to raise self-esteem . In the comment the most important aspects to increase the self-esteem; Not seeking approval, silence the critical voice, self-affirmations, acceptance, etc.
3- The need for attention from a poor personal image
Usually we have a perception of who we are and another of what we would like to be.
The problem with low self-esteem Is that the perception of who we are is very negative and unrealistic. In addition, that perception is very far from what we would like to be. On the other hand, the image of what we would like to be is too perfectionistic.
Example with a boy named Peter:
- Personal image : Peter sees himself as someone who is not valuable enough, without success, who has to seek the approval of others and that others are better than him.
- Ideal or perfect image : Peter sees the ideal person as someone whom others accept, approved by others, to whom others pay attention, physically attractive, etc. It is the image you pursue and what you would like to be.
Because your personal image does not match your ideal image, the critical voice arises, judging you and resulting in low self-esteem.
What does this have to do with jealousy? For it would produce situations like a woman or a man Seek the attention of their partner (And others in general) to fit the ideal image. By getting that attention from your partner, you avoid the personal image and fulfill the image of perfection. However, if the couple does not pay attention, the negative feelings of failure and jealousy arise.
Important:
The fear and negative feelings of jealousy do not come from losing a woman or a man. They come from the fear that this negative personal image and its consequent negative feelings reappear.
Without attention, the negative personal image becomes active and turns to feelings of unhappiness, since according to that image"to be happy, others have to pay attention."
Reaction: the man or woman reacts trying to maintain the attention with behaviors as to avoid that his partner leaves with his friends, to control, to spy the smartphone... These negative reactions have the objective to be as close as possible to the ideal personal image in the That is taken care of by the couple...
4-Emotions and negative personal image guide behavior
I have already told you that celloptic behavior is aimed at controlling someone. If you think about it, it's behavior that does not make much sense because trying to control someone is not going to make them feel closer to you, quite the opposite.
Even after an episode of jealousy, you are likely to have thought and thought that it was meaningless and that you are repentant. However, the dynamics remain unchanged. Why?
Simply because that cellophysical behavior (control, discussion, hatred) is not guided by logical thinking. It is guided by beliefs, a negative personal image and by emotions.
Conclusion: change your false beliefs and build a positive image or self-concept
With new Beliefs You will have new points of view and with these you will have new emotions and behaviors. When you learn to view situations from another point of view, you will avoid the recurrence of negative thoughts and emotions.
To do this, you must be especially aware of what you think when you start feeling jealous. When you have clarity of thought, you will have more control over your reactions.
To end those negative emotions of jealousy or hatred, you will have to identify your core beliefs about the relationship or the specific relationship with your partner. It can be explained as follows:
Central belief ("men lie")> situational thinking ("I'm lying, you will not go out alone with your friends")> reaction (jealousy, arguments).
So:
1) Pay attention to your thoughts and be aware of them . What are you thinking when you feel jealous? I recommend that you learn about Mindfulness .
2) Identifies core beliefs Which produce negative emotional reactions.
For example:
What beliefs do you have to believe that when your boyfriend goes out with his friends he goes with other women? It might be that you've had bad experiences and you think â"that all men do those thingsâ??. This central belief could make you have thoughts like"he says he's going out with his friends and actually goes with a woman".
3) It changes the main beliefs and thoughts.
To change a central belief, you need to question it. For example,"How do I know that all men cheat on women?
All beliefs are simply starting points from which we represent reality and do not have to be real. Having the belief that all women or men are unfaithful can be as real as that all men or women are faithful.
For example:
"People lie a lot and they do not care about hurting others"
You can change it to:
"Although some people have hurt me, most are good people and I can trust them."
Improving self-concept / personal image
Regarding self-concept, it is the same:
1) Pay attention to the statements that tell you the critical voice
2) Identify the statements that your critical voice usually says
Example:"I'm not worth anything","if you do not pay attention, you do not like me".
3) Change that negative self-concept to a positive one.
Example:"I am a valuable person and I do not need to prove it","I do not need anyone's attention".
Some traits of a person with a good self-concept, healthy and with good self-esteem: independent, autonomous, does not need approval, respects itself, does not value itself based on external achievements, has a sense of humor, does not usually feel anger For being against other people's opinions.
I hope I have helped if you have problems in controlling jealousy. Remember, control negative thoughts and improve your personal image
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