In this article I will show you How to overcome an infidelity Male or female, of your spouse, in marriage or in a relationship. With these tips you will be able to continue the relationship healthily or to end up with this couple and to be able to generate in the future a healthy bond with another person.
Infidelity can mean something very different for different couples. While many may consider that having sex with another person is the only possible infidelity, others will also think that maintaining an affective relationship without physical contact, via the internet for example, is also a form of infidelity.
Whatever the case, discovering an infidelity is difficult to deal with, whether it is a husband or wife, a marriage or a de facto couple. However, this does not mean that the Relationship must end .
According to data from the company Sondea (2012), in Spain one in two people have ever been infidels, whether male or female.
In terms of Latin America, GFK surveyed 4800 people from each country and obtained the following results: Colombia (29%), Ecuador (27%), Brazil (26%), Costa Rica Venezuela (21%), Panama (19%).
How to overcome infidelity
1-Let go of anger and pain
Discovering an infidelity is a very strong emotional blow. Of course, you will feel a great sadness and much pain, and in those moments you will not be able to think clearly.
You are likely to have mixed feelings: on the one hand, you love your partner and the prospect of End relationship It overwhelms you, and on the other hand, anger and disappointment are enormous and you can not imagine that this can end well in any way.
So the first thing you should do is take some time for yourself and let the first few moments go by after discovering infidelity without taking any Type of decision .
You should not decide anything"hot", that is, while your mind is dominated by these strong emotions. After a few days or even a few weeks have passed, you can begin to think about which way your partner and you want to go.
2-Recognize what your feelings are
Once the pain has passed even a little, you must begin to think about what you feel and how you can handle it.
Some people feel so humiliated after an infidelity that their self-esteem drops abruptly and they think they are worthless.
Other Have feelings Of revenge, or of guilt. It is important to consider that you probably did nothing to provoke infidelity, the unfaithful makes the decision to be, so Feelings of guilt They should not really take place.
Revenge will not make you feel better either. It is important to identify your feelings about this situation to be able to process them, to pose them if it corresponds in a calm conversation with your partner and to be able to handle them properly, perhaps with professional support if you need it.
3-Talk to your partner
The next step would be to have a long conversation with the other person, to analyze what happened without reproaches and always with mutual respect.
Surely he or she could give an explanation of how things were happening, what they felt or felt at this time and maybe you can express how painful this situation is for you.
And then, you will have to decide if you want to continue with the couple or not. Because dealing with infidelity does not necessarily mean that the couple should continue or must end.
If you decide to stay with your partner, there is a long way to go, in which the couple's commitments will be renewed and little by little the trust necessary for a healthy bond will be restored.
But if they decide to separate, there will be wounds that must heal to overcome infidelity And the break , To return to love and to trust again, banishing that famous concept that"all are equal."
This decision is very important and should be taken together, after an honest talk where both should try to put aside the emotions generated by this painful situation.
4-Take responsibility
If you are the one who has been unfaithful, then you must assume the consequences of your actions. Do not try to blame the other person, who, while he may have made mistakes and his attitudes may not have been the best, the decision to be unfaithful has been yours.
Take responsibility and think carefully about the path you want to follow. If you want to recover your partner, it will be a long and difficult process, but if you really face the situation with the responsibility that corresponds to you, the relationship can be restored.
And if the relationship ends, you must also take responsibility for what happened and its consequences, so that your life can continue in an emotionally healthy way.
On the other hand, if the other person is the one who has been unfaithful to you, you may have some responsibility for it. It is possible that there was lack of communication, little time to share together, Certain couple problems , A very routine lifestyle, in short, several may be factors favor an infidelity, but You must not feel guilty .
There is a big difference between taking responsibility and feeling guilty. Taking responsibility means that you realize that you made a mistake and do something about it, while feeling guilty means that you feel devalued as a person for making that mistake.
5-Look for support
Many people feel the desire to tell what happened to their family and friends, and in general is a very good idea, because the shared pain is less pain.
It is even likely that some of these loved ones have gone through similar situations and can give you some support by telling you about your own experiences.
But beware, because it can also happen that some family member or friend, with the best intention, try to influence you to make the decision to continue or end the relationship with your partner.
This is something you should not allow. If you need objective advice, it may be best to consult a professional therapist, a family member, or a good friend.
Do not let anyone influence your decision. Take your time to feel, to think and leave aside prejudices. Whether the couple continues or not depends on you and the other person.
In short, the support of family and friends is always good, but they can not help you choose the path that the couple should follow after an infidelity.
6-What happened, that is in the past
This is a very important advice, which must be kept in mind. The past is just that, something that happened and can not be changed.
Nothing is gained by continuing to mention the subject of infidelity when a discussion arises, blaming the other person for what happened.
One must look for ways of turning the page and continuing the life in common (or separated), looking forward and trying to make this painful situation of the past not negatively influence the present.
Pain and even anger will not magically disappear, but time will help heal these wounds if you are not constantly"sticking your finger into the sore."
In other words, do not mortify yourself with the past. Do you know that there is a great difference between pain and suffering? Pain is a natural feeling in cases of infidelity and will go forward over time and with A positive attitude .
Suffering, on the other hand, is optional. You can try to leave the past behind and start a new chapter in your life or you can continue to plague yourself with thoughts and images of the unpleasant situation you are experiencing.
7-Forgive anyone who cheated on you and forgive yourself
This is another of the most important challenges you must face in order to overcome infidelity: forgiveness.
Whether you decide to continue with the relationship as a couple, or if it ends, forgiveness is fundamental so that you can continue with your life without being anchored to the negative feelings that infidelity has generated.
And forgiveness must be doubled: you must forgive the one who was unfaithful and also forgive yourself for the mistakes you may have made.
And of course, if you have been the one who has deceived, you will have to forgive the mistake and assume its consequences. Maybe the relationship is ruined forever or maybe the pain and resentment prevent you from improving this relationship for a long time if you decide to continue together, but whatever, you will have to deal with it and forgiveness will help you.
In any situation, forgiveness is liberating. It may take some time, but if you work on it, talking about your feelings with the other person, looking for support in loved ones or therapy, over time you can forgive and forgive, and pain or resentment for committed infidelity Or suffered will be gone forever.
8-Process your duel
Discovering an infidelity causes a great disappointment: at that moment, the trust in the couple has been broken, the pain is immense and to recover emotionally from this blow, a certain time must be given to the process of elaboration of the duel.
The duel For the lost trust is made by recognizing and channeling the feelings of anger and anger that appear at the beginning, communicating with the other person to let you know about these feelings and giving time to time, as the saying goes.
It is important to leave blame and resentment aside, to assume the responsibility that corresponds and to try to decide together the future of the couple.
If they decide to separate, there will be a period of mourning for the illusions and common projects that have been lost. And if they decide to continue together, there will also be a grieving process, after which they must both work with great commitment to rebuild a healthy relationship, based on mutual trust.
9-Recovering confidence
This will be without doubt another great challenge in the long way of overcoming an infidelity.
If the couple decides to continue the relationship, there must be trust on both sides, so that the bond develops healthily.
To regain trust It is necessary to follow the previous steps: leave what happened in the past, forgive and take on new commitments to continue the relationship.
It will not do any good to stay together if there is no trust, because soon the jealousy, the need for control and even the lack of respect for the privacy of the other person will appear.
It is difficult to regain trust after an infidelity, but it is not impossible and if both consider it worth recovering the relationship, then you have to work on it.
10-Couple Therapy
Couple therapy A, carried out by a professional specialized in this aspect, with experience in infidelities, can be an excellent support to finish this chapter and definitively surpasses this situation.
Therapy can be useful to put infidelity into perspective, identify problems that may have contributed to this, provide advice on how to strengthen the relationship in the future and avoid divorce, if both agree to continue together , Of course.
The therapist will surely ask you both to express your feelings about this situation and to help you determine future needs and goals, whether you choose to continue with the relationship or not.
If you decide to continue together, the marriage counselor can help you discover your level of commitment to the relationship, help you regain confidence and the healing process of this painful wound.
You can also assess the relationship you both have to establish your strengths and weaknesses. If there are unhealthy patterns such as Codependency , Emotional abuse or repeated infidelities over time, the therapist will discover and question them.
If the couple decides to separate, therapy can still help them both. Anyone who has been deceived can rely on therapy to channel their anger and pain not only through infidelity, but also through the loss of the partner.
Whoever committed infidelity may feel guilty or repentant. If feelings of dissatisfaction with the relationship were a determining factor for infidelity, the therapist can help the person express and communicate their feelings better next time, in order to prevent infidelity from recurring.
In short, it is always possible to overcome an infidelity, but it takes time and also a lot of work and commitment, especially if the couple decides to continue despite everything.
And what are you trying to overcome infidelity?