The Need for approval Is one of the trends that can hurt you in your life, both your results and your well-being.
People who act in this extreme way might ask: how to please others?
Even if you have been all your life being the"good girl"or"the good child,"you can break that trend and start acting in a very different way.
Wanting to be the typical"good child"has certainly negative consequences. When you seek to be approved by everyone, several things happen:
- You may not always be sincere.
- So you're being dishonest.
- You can be passive-aggressive.
- You will feel bad about yourself.
- Your problems are not solved because you avoid discussions.
- You will do things you do not want; you do not know say no" .
- They may abuse you; You do not defend your rights.
- You will be putting obstacles to yourself.
How did you even get the approval of everyone?
How did you get to that state in which you put the needs of others to yours?
How can you always want to please others even if you are dishonest and not yourself?
It can be summarized by three possible mechanisms:
1-Abandonment
The child does not receive the necessary emotional attention and their parents are excessively critical.
This causes the child to not feel valuable and Feel guilty .
2-Shame
The lack of care or attention of the parents makes the child feel that there is something"bad"in it.
Shame has been fostered by:
- Making the child feel that acting like he is has something wrong.
- Make the child feel that impulses or certain types of normal behavior are sins or should be punished.
This sense of shame can also be created by other experiences of rejection, either by parents or by other children ( bullying ).
3-Survival Mechanisms
To prevent abandonment or rejection, the child develops a series of behaviors and way of thinking such as:
- Be what others want you to be.
- Precede the needs outside their own.
You may still behave that way, even though it is highly ineffective.
Steps to overcome the need for approval
1-Change paradigm (way to see your world)
Now you think that to be happy and to be accepted you have to please and be approved by others.
You think that being"the typical good"will avoid problems and you will have a simple life and without bitterness.
You have the typical behaviors of the"good child". However, that only leads to discomfort and unhappiness.
To change that trend, you will have to see the world in another way in which:
- Your happiness depends on you, not on whether others approve you or not.
- It is necessary to cover your needs to be happy .
- To be happy you have to defend your rights.
2-Begin to put your needs first
To put your needs ahead is not to be selfish. That would also be black and white thinking.
Being selfish is having all your needs covered and still not being willing to contribute or help others. Or not to collaborate with others and always want others to contribute to you.
It is natural in the human being to want to cover personal needs, because otherwise you are going against your own survival.
If you do not feel bad, you will blame others or show passive-aggressive behavior.
3-Begin to accept yourself as you are
Something typical in"good children"is that they do not accept themselves, they believe that there is something wrong with them.
This comes mainly from childhood, past experiences, parenting and relationships with others.
To feel good you need to accept yourself. What's more, to have a good relationship with others you have to accept.
On the other hand, accepting you does not mean that you do not want to change or improve.
It is about accepting yourself, though be willing to improve what you want.
4-Stop looking for approval!
If you have changed your view of the world, put your needs ahead and you accept, you are more likely to no longer seek approval so much.
Pay attention the next time you get in touch with someone. Are you looking for that person to approve you? Do you seek to like the other person at all costs?
Beware of the unconscious behaviors of seeking approval, they are very frequent.
5-Set limits
You are a person with a history, rights, personality, goals and a life.
Therefore, you are not half of another person. You are a unique person who sets out how you want your life to be.
Do not try to merge with others, be it your partner, family or friends.
If you disagree with another person, it is normal and you can show that disagreement - Assertively - Because you are different.
To be happy it is necessary that you have your goals and your individual life, so that if others are not that part of your life is still there.
On the other hand, Be aware of your values Let you know what your limits are and when you are acting with integrity.
I think that with those small steps or tips you can start to be an integral person.
Be good, be bad or be?
First of all I would like to clarify what is for me the"typical good child"(or now"good adult":
- Always seek the well-being of others, before your own.
- Putting the needs of others to their own.
- Always be giving, although something is expected in return.
- Giving and not receiving creates a sense of bitterness.
- Always want to take care of others.
- Always want to please others.
- Hide defects or negative characteristics of oneself.
- Not knowing how to say no.
- Always accept requests, even from unknown people.
- Always be available.
- Avoid discussions, even if they are necessary.
- Do not defend your own rights.
- Many more…
And what is it for my being bad?
- Be disrespectful to others.
- To be unpleasant.
- Never be willing to help, even to people close to you.
- Never be available.
- Do not bring anything to others and just take advantage.
- Many more…
Most people seeking approval tend to think of"white or black".
That is, they believe that the only alternative to being a good person is to be a bad person. However that is not true.
You can reach a balance that could be called as "Balanced person" . In this state you would not be the typical good or the typical bad.
If you are not balanced how you are going to contribute something to others, help others or reach your goals ?
A balanced person:
- It looks like a person with rights.
- Defend your rights.
- Respect the rights of others.
- Has good self-esteem .
- He does not seek approval, shows how he is or behaves as he would like to be.
- He is not afraid of arguments, but neither does he seek them.
- It prefers own needs to those of others (except in children, patients and people with special needs).
- Once you have met your needs, you are interested in the well-being of others.
- He can say no.
- He knows how to give without expecting anything in return.
- Many more.
In my opinion, that state is the one that best suits to have a happy life and a good personal relations with the others.
What is your opinion? Please leave your opinion in the comments. I am interested!
And what have you done in your life to seek approval?