I have always thought that social skills Are one of the skills that most help when it comes to"succeed", to achieve goals or to be happy in life.
Well, for me the best book that has been written so far to learn to relate more effectively with people is How to Win Friends and Influence People By Dale Carnegie.
It was published in 1936 and is a true classic read by millions of people, from those who simply want to learn to be more social to leaders or businessmen who want to learn how to negotiate and better manage their teams.
So, today I leave a summary of this magnificent book. With it you should have enough to take the best information you can put into practice, but if you want you can read the entire book and surely you will learn even more and something that I can escape.
If you put into practice the teachings of this book, remember not to fall into the trap of always wanting to please others. In fact it is something that you should try to avoid for your mental health. To learn more about this point, you can read point 3 of This summary .
Please, leave in the comments what you found the book and if it has served you. I'm interested and thank you!
How this book was written... and why.
"Gradually, as the years passed, I realized that as much as these adults needed learning to speak effectively, they needed even more learning in that beautiful art of dealing with people in business and in their social contacts."
"Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are a business person. Yes, and also sise is an accountant, a housewife, an architect or an engineer."
FIRST PART
Fundamental techniques for dealing with others
1.-IF YOU WANT TO COLLECT HONEY, DO NOT PUNTAPIES TO THE BEE
"Do not complain about snow on the neighbor's roof,"Confucius said,"when it also covers the threshold of your house."- Confucius.
Criticism is useless because it puts the other person on the defensive, and usually makes him try to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous because it hurts the person's pride, so precious, wounds his sense of importance and arouses his resentment.
Let us understand that the person whom we want to correct and censor will probably try to justify himself, to censure us in turn.
Do you know someone whom you would like to modify, and regulate, and improve? For good! Splendid. I am in your favor. But, why not start for yourself? From a purely selfish point of view, that is much more helpful than trying to improve others. Yes, and much less dangerous.
Instead of censoring people, let us try to understand them. Try to imagine why they do what they do. That is much more profitable and more interesting than criticism; And out of it comes sympathy, tolerance, and goodness. "To know everything is to forgive everything."
RULE 1
Do not criticize, condemn or complain.
2.-THE GREAT SECRET TO TREAT PEOPLE
"The deepest principle of human character is the longing to be appreciated."- William James.
There is only one way to get someone to do something. Have you ever stopped to meditate on this? Yes, only one way. And it is to make the neighbor want to do it.
The only way to get you to do something is to give it what you want.
"I will pass once by this way; So that whatever good you can do or whatever courtesy you may have for any human being, let it be now. I will not leave it until tomorrow, nor will I forget it, because I will never come here again."
RULE 2
Show honest and sincere appreciation.
3.-"WHO CAN DO THIS HAS TO THE WHOLE WORLD I CAN; WHO CAN NOT, RUN ONLY BY THE WAY"
"If there is a secret of success, it lies in the ability to appreciate one's point of view and see things from that point of view as well as one's own."- Henry Ford.
It is so simple,
The only way we have to influence our neighbor is to talk about what he wants, and to show him how to achieve it.
Action arises from what we fundamentally desire... and the best advice that can be given to those who pretend to be persuasive, whether in business, at home, at school or in politics is this: first, wake up in the other person A frank desire. Whoever can do this has the whole world with him. He who can not, marches alone on the road."
Tomorrow you will want to persuade someone to do something. Before speaking, pause and ask yourself,"How can I make you want to do it?"
When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making the other person think that he is ours, why not let him prepare that idea for himself, as the little girl prepared breakfast? Then you will consider that idea to be yours; You'll like it, and maybe two servings.
RULE 3
Awaken in others a vehement desire.
SECOND PART
Six ways to please others
1.-DO THIS AND WILL BE WELCOME EVERYWHERE
"The individual who is not interested in his fellow men has the greatest difficulties in life and causes the greatest injuries to others. From these individuals all human failings arise."- Alfred Adler.
"We care about others when they care about us."- Pubilio Syro.
You can earn more friends in two months by really caring about others than you can earn in two years when it comes to caring for others in yourself.
Showing a genuine interest in others will not only bring you friends, it can also create loyalty to the company from customers.
Interest, like everything else in human relationships, must be sincere. It must give dividends not only to the person who shows the interest, but also to the one who receives the attention. It is a two-way street: both sides benefit.
RULE 1
Be interested in each other sincerely.
2.-A SIMPLE WAY TO CAUSE A GOOD FIRST PRINT
"Action seems to follow feeling, but in reality action and feeling go together; And if the action is regulated, which is under the most direct control of the will, we can regulate the feeling, which is not."- William James.
"Nothing is good or bad but thought is what makes things good or bad."- Shakespeare.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says,"I like you. It makes me happy. I'm so glad to see you."
Everyone seeks happiness, and there is a sure way to find it. It is to control our thoughts. Happiness does not depend on external conditions, it depends on internal conditions.
It is not what we have or what we are or where we are or what we do, none of that, what makes us happy or unhappy. It's what we think about it all.
Because no one needs a smile so much as one who has no one left to give.
RULE 2
Smile.
3.-IF YOU DO NOT DO THIS, YOU WILL SPEND IT
We should keep in mind the magic of a name, and understand that it is something unique to that person, and no one else. The name sets aside the individual; Makes him feel unique among all the others. The information we give, or the question we ask, takes on special importance when we add the name of our interlocutor. From the waitress to the chief executive of a company, the name will work miracles when dealing with people.
RULE 3
Remember that for everyone, their name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4.-EASY WAY TO BECOME A GOOD CONVERTER
"There are no mysteries in a happy business conversation... It is very important to pay close attention to the person speaking. Nothing holds as much flattery as that."- Charles W. Eliot.
Remember that the person you are talking to is 100 times more interested in yourself and your needs and problems than you and your problems. His toothache matters more than an epidemic that kills a million people in China. A furuncle in the neck means to him a catastrophe greater than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think about it the next time you start a conversation.
RULE 4
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5.-HOW TO INTEREST PEOPLE
The real way to the heart is to tell you about the things that are most precious to you. Speaking in terms of the other person's interests is beneficial to both parties.
RULE 5
Always talk about what interests others.
6.-HOW TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE INSTANTLY
"Do to your neighbor what you want your neighbor to do to you."- Jesus of Nazareth.
"Talk to the people of yourselves and they will listen to you for hours.-Benjamin Disraeli.
If we are so despicable, by selfishness, that we can not radiate some happiness and render an honest compliment, without trying to obtain something in return; If our souls are of such smallness, we will fail, a deserved failure.
RULE 6
Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely.
THIRD PART
Get others to think like you
1.-IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO WIN A DISCUSSION
"If you argue, and fight and contradict, you can sometimes achieve a triumph; But it will be an empty victory, because he will never get the goodwill of the opponent."- Benjamin Franklin.
"Hate is never overcome by hatred but by love,"and a misunderstanding never ends with a discussion, but thanks to touch, diplomacy, conciliation, and a sincere desire to appreciate the point of view of others. -Buddha.
When one shouts, the other listens. When two people shout, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibes."
RULE 1
The only way to get out of an argument is by avoiding it.
2.-A SAFE ENVIRONMENT OF CONQUERING ENEMIES... AND HOW TO AVOID IT
"It is to be taught to men as if they were not taught, and to propose unknown things to them as if they were forgotten."- Alexander Pope.
"You can not teach anyone anything; I can only help you find it within you."- Galileo Galilei.
Do not start by announcing:"I will show you such and such." That's wrong. That is to say,"I am more alive than you. I'm going to tell him one or two things and I'll change his mind." This is a challenge. He arouses opposition and makes the listener want to fight with you, before he starts talking.
If you are going to prove something, do not let anyone know. Do it subtly, with such dexterity that nobody thinks you are doing it.
You will never be in trouble for admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all discussions and give the other person the desire to be as fair and even as you. It will make him admit that he too can be wrong.
When we are wrong, we sometimes admit it to ourselves. And if we are known to carry, gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others, and perhaps we will take pride in our frankness and equanimity in such a case. But it does not happen when another person tries to hit us in the throat by the little tasty tea that we are not right.
RULE 2
Show respect for the opinions of others. Never tell a person that you are wrong.
3.-IF YOU WRONG, ADMIT IT
"Fighting is never enough, but yielding more than what is expected."
Tell yourself about all the derogatory things that the other person knows, or that is, or intends to say, and say them before he has had a chance to formulate them, and will take away the reason to speak.
There is a degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's mistakes. Not only does it cleanse the air of guilt and defensive attitude, it often helps to solve the problem created by error.
Any fool can try to defend his mistakes - and almost all fools do - but he is above the others, and he assumes a sense of nobility and exaltation who admits his own mistakes.
RULE 3
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4.-A HONEY DROP
"A drop of honey hunt more flies than a gallon of gall."- Abraham Lincoln.
Nobody likes to change their minds. No one is obliged by force to agree with you or me. But it is possible to lead the other person to it, if we are gentle and kind.
RULE 4
Start in a friendly way.
5.-THE SECRET OF SOCRATES
"Not a response,"says the professor,"is an extremely difficult obstacle to overcome. When a person has said No, all the pride in his personality demands that he be consistent with himself.-Overstreet.
When you talk to someone, do not start discussing things where there is a divergence between the two. Begin by highlighting - and keep highlighting - the things you agree on. Keep emphasizing - if possible - that the two tend to the same end and that the only difference is method and not purpose.
Have the other person say"Yes, yes"from the beginning. Avoid, if possible,"No".
The next time we want to tell someone who is wrong, let us remember old Socrates and ask a kind question, a question that will produce the answer:"Yes, yes."
RULE 5
Get the other person to say"yes, yes"immediately.
6.-THE SAFETY VALVE TO COMPLETE COMPLAINTS
"If you want to have enemies, surpass your friends; If you want to have friends, let your friends outweigh you."- La Rochefoucauld.
Almost all of us, when we try to attract others to our way of thinking, talk too much. Sellers, especially, are addicted to this costly mistake. Let the other person speak. She knows more than we do about her business and her problems. Let's ask him questions. Let him explain a few things to us.
The truth is that even our friends prefer to talk about their exploits rather than hear us talk about ours.
RULE 6
Let the other person speak more.
7.-HOW TO OBTAIN COOPERATION
"To man we must teach him as if he were not taught, and to propose the unknown to him as forgotten."- Alexander Pope.
"The reason the rivers and seas receive the tribute of a hundred torrents of the mountain is that they are kept below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the torrents of the mountain. Likewise, the wise man who desires to be above men is placed beneath them; He who wants to stand before them, stands behind. So, even if their place is above men, men do not feel their weight; Although their place is in front of them, they do not take it as an insult."- Lao Tse.
No one likes to feel that they are being forced to buy or do a particular thing. We all prefer to believe that we buy what we want and apply our ideas. We like being consulted about our desires, our needs, our ideas.
RULE 7
Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs.
8.-A FORMULA THAT WILL RESULT YOU WONDERFUL
"You cooperate effectively in conversation when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own."- Gerald S. Nirenberg.
Remember that the other person may be completely wrong. But she does not believe it. Do not censor it. Any fool can do it. Try to understand it. Only shrewd, tolerant, exceptional people try to do this.
There is a reason why the other person thinks and proceeds as he does. Discover that hidden reason and you will have the key to your actions, perhaps your personality. Try honestly to put yourself in the other person's place. If you say to yourself,"What would you think; How would I react if I were in his place?", He would have saved a lot of time and irritation, because"being interested in causes is less likely to dislike the effects."
Tomorrow, before you ask someone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why do not you close your eyes and try to see everything from the other person's point of view? Ask yourself: Why is this person going to want to do it? True, this will take time; But it will help you achieve friends and get better results with less friction and less work.
RULE 9
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9.-WHAT EVERYONE WANTS
Would not you like to have a magic phrase that will stop discussions, eliminate bad feelings, create goodwill and make you listen carefully? Well, here it is. Begin by saying: â € œI can not blame you for feeling the way you feel.â € If I were in your place, there is no doubt that I would feel the same wayâ € | Â A phrase like that will soften To the most quarrelsome person in the world. And you
RULE 9
Show sympathy for the ideas and desires of the other person.
10.-A CALL THAT LIKE EVERYONE
Usually people have two reasons to do one thing: one reason that seems good and dignified, and the other, the real reason. Everyone thinks about their true reason. There is no need to dwell on it. But all, as deep down we are idealists, we want to think about the motives that seem good. So, in order to change people, we appeal to their nobler motives.
People are honest and want to respond to their obligations. The exceptions to this rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individual inclined to bargain will react favorably in almost every case if he is made to feel that he is an honest, upright, and just person.
RULE 10
Appeal to the nobler motives.
11.-IT'S DOING IN THE CINEMA AND ON THE TELEVISION WHY DO NOT YOU DO IT?
This is the time of the dramatization. It is not enough to say a truth. It has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. The cinema does it; Television does. And you will also have to if you want to get attention.
Ideas can be dramatized in business or in any other area of life.
RULE 11
Dramatize your ideas.
12.-WHEN NO OTHER THING GIVES YOU RESULT, TRY THIS
The desire to excel! The challenge! Throw the glove! An infallible way of appealing to men.
That's what delights every successful person: the game. The opportunity to express yourself. The opportunity to show what is worth, to stand out, to win. This is what lures pedestrians. The desire to excel. The desire to feel important.
RULE 12
Throw, tactfully, a gentle challenge.
FOURTH PART
Be a leader: how to change others without offending them or arousing resentments
1.-IF YOU HAVE TO FIND DEFECTS, THIS IS THE WAY TO GET STARTED
To start with compliments is to do as the dentist starts his work with novocaine. The patient is given all the necessary work, but the drug has already numbed the pain.
RULE 1
Start with praise and sincere appreciation.
2.-HOW TO CRITICIZE AND NOT BE HATEED BY IT
Calling attention indirectly to errors works wonders about sensitive people who may resent a direct criticism.
RULE 2
Draw attention to the mistakes of others indirectly.
3.-SPEAK FIRST OF YOUR OWN MISTAKES
It is not so difficult to hear a relation of the own defects if the one that does it begins admitting humble mind that also he is far from the perfection.
RULE 3
Talk about your own mistakes before you criticize those of others.
4.-NO ONE LEADS TO RECEIVE ORDERS
Resentment caused by a violent order can last for a long time, even when the order has been given to correct an obviously bad situation.
Asking questions not only makes orders more acceptable, but often stimulates the creativity of the person being asked. People are more likely to accept an order if they have taken part in the decision from which the order was issued.
RULE 4
Ask questions instead of giving orders.
5.-ENABLE THE OTHER PERSON TO SAVE YOUR PRESTIGE
"I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man before himself. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. To wound a man in his dignity is a crime."- Saint Exupéry.
Save the prestige! How important, how vitally important this is! And how few among us we stop to think! We trample on the feelings of others, to follow our path, to discover defects, to make threats, to criticize a child or an employee in front of others, without ever thinking that we hurt the pride of the neighbor. And a few minutes of thinking, one or two words of consideration, an authentic understanding of the other person's attitude will powerfully contribute to lightening the wound.
RULE 5
Let the other person save his or her own prestige.
6.-HOW TO STIMULATE PEOPLE TOWARDS TRIUMPH
"Praise is like the light of the sun for the human spirit; We can not flourish and grow without it. And yet, although almost all of us are always ready to apply to the gent e cold wind of criticism, we always feel a certain dislike when it comes to giving our neighbor the warm light of praise."- Jess Lair.
"Capacities wither under criticism; Bloom under the stimulus."- Dale Carnegie.
Everyone likes to be praised, but when the compliment is specific, it is reckoned to be sincere, not something that the other person may be saying just to make us feel good. Let us remember: we all yearn for appreciation and recognition, and we could do almost anything to achieve it. But nobody wants lies or flattery.
RULE 6
Be warm in your approbation and generous in your praise.
7.-BREEDING FAME AND EACH TO SLEEP
"Assume a virtue if you do not have it."- Shakespeare.
If you want a person to improve in a certain sense, proceed as if that particular trait were one of his outstanding characteristics.
RULE 7
Give the other person a good reputation so that you are interested in maintaining it.
8.-MAKE ERRORS EASY TO CORRECT
Let's say to a child, a husband, or an employee, who is foolish in certain things, who does not have the skills to do them, who does them wrong, and we have discarded every incentive to try to improve. But if we use the opposite technique; If we are liberal in the way of encouragement; If we make things seem easy to do; If we let the other person know that we have faith in their ability to do them, we will see them practice until the dawn strikes, in order to overcome.
RULE 8
Encourage the other person. Make mistakes look easy to correct.
9.-SEEK THAT THE OTHER PERSON FEELS SATISFIED OF DOING WHAT YOU WANT
For example, instead of giving a dry order like this:"Juan, tomorrow customers will come and I want the warehouse to be clean, so I can barrel it, pile the merchandise neatly and clean the counter", we can express the same showing the benefits that Juan will get his work done:"Juan, we have a job that has to be done, and if it is done now, we will not have to worry about it later. Tomorrow I will bring some customers to show them the facilities. I'd like to show you the deposit, but it's not presentable. If you can sweep it up, pile the merchandise neatly and clean the counter, it will make us look more efficient and you will have done your part to give our company a good image."
RULE 9
Make sure the other person is satisfied to do what you suggest.
What did you think of the book? What has contributed to you? Thanks for commenting!