Stop being shy , Quiet and insecure is possible, it is not a personality trait incorrigible and permanent forever. With certain habits and some effort you can be less shy and learn to talk to women, men, in public or anyone.
We live in a society in which there seems to be no room for shy or introverted people, since we value qualities such as openness to the The ability to take risks and sociability.
Some authors, such as Zimbardo and Radl (1985), define shyness as"a defense mechanism that allows the person to evaluate novel situations Through an attitude of caution, in order to respond adequately to the demands of the situation."
The concept of shyness also includes other dimensions, such as fear or fear, low self-esteem, problems of insecurity, difficulties to socialize, Suspicion, muscular tension and physiological activation.
In relation to the etiology of shyness, there have traditionally existed two different positions:
On the one hand, there are authors who emphasize learning as a causal factor of shyness, so the experiences of childhood, living in a Place that did not facilitate socialization or negative experiences during interaction with others, would lead to an attitude of shyness in the future.
However, other authors (Horn, Plomin and Rosenman) found, through studies with twins, that shyness is one of the most traits Inheritable of the personality, so that people are born with a certain genetic vulnerability to manifest a withdrawn behavior.
In any case, what has become clear is that one of the most relevant causes for a person to become shy is the lack of Personal experiences Therefore, it is necessary to have vital experiences to Overcome shyness .
It seems that social isolation during childhood severely affects the normal development of emotional expression in children (Gray, 1993).
The wealth of social experiences contributes to people not developing behaviors of shyness. This fact is An experiment carried out by Buss (1986), in which he found that the children of US Army personnel were less timid than the population general.
The author concludes that possibly the frequent changes had facilitated the children to develop better in their social relations.
To sum up, we can conceptualize shyness as a feature that appears early in the lives of all children and, despite having a Genetic vulnerability, also depends largely on the learning and the relationship they establish with others.
10 Tips to stop being shy
1-Begin to expose yourself to social situations that make you feel uncomfortable
Surely, until now, you have been fleeing social situations that caused you discomfort, made you blush, sweat or Stutterers .
In this way, escaping from unpleasant social situations, you have learned that you prefer loneliness And isolation to the difficult task of Relate to others.
If you continue with this dynamic, you will never overcome your shyness and improve in other aspects of your life - such as work, academic, etc. -, so You must cut this vicious circle as soon as possible.
What you should do is start attending parties, birthdays and dinners with work colleagues, family or friends, although at first you do not interact with a lot of people.
The important thing is that you learn to deal with the discomfort that you face facing the presence of others and that, little by little, you take the Initiative to interact with them effectively.
Once you are accustomed to attending these types of events, you will feel more confident and confident to take the next steps.
2-Take care of your non-verbal language
your nonverbal language Can reveal if you feel comfortable or uncomfortable, if you are nervous or relaxed.
If you do not want to feel like a shy, nervous or anxious person, you could start by changing some aspects of your non-verbal language:
Keep your eyes on the other person (s)
Avoiding looking at another person when talking to them is another indicator of shyness and insecurity.
When you look at others in the face, you expose yourself to receiving a feedback Of what he is thinking about you - since the other person can show confusion, Disapproval, etc.-.
As in the previous case, in which we recommended you to face social events, in this case you must also make an exhibition Direct progressive.
If you find it very difficult at first - or you miss the thread of the conversation - you can gradually increase the time during which you are Maintaining eye contact.
The goal is to be a fluent and natural conversation, not to stay 100% of the time without looking away from the eyes of your interlocutor.
In fact, it is advisable to keep the eye contact for 60 - 70% of the time that is being interacted.
This should also be taken into account in other situations where displaying proper non-verbal language can be a great help - as in an interview of work-.
Do not hide your hands in pockets
If you avoid showing your hands - for fear that they tremble or sweat -, others may perceive that you are not too comfortable in that situation.
This is an aspect that is much taken care of in the politicians when they have to give a speech, since, unconsciously, they can transmit the Feeling insecure if they have strange behavior with their hands.
It is advisable to make smooth and natural movements when speaking, not over-gesturing but not hiding your hands.
Shows a normal tone of voice
If you are a shy person, you may have noticed that the tone of your voice tends to be low, so that sometimes others can not hear what you say.
While it may be difficult at first, raising your voice tone will help you show greater security and self-confidence to others.
3-Speak for more than a minute followed
At first, when you start having your first social contacts more often, you will find it difficult to talk long and hard - for fear of Boring others, not knowing how to link one topic to another, etc.-.
Thus, in having these fears, I am sure to give monosyllabic answers - of the"yes","no","I do not know"type, among others.
For your conversations to be satisfying and fluid, try to give broad answers that relate to the topic you are talking about.
For example, if you are asked where you live, instead of saying"in Madrid", you can say:"I am living in Madrid, but I am from Soria. I came here because I found work last year."
As you can see, you can give broader answers and reveal more details of your personal life.
When it's easy for you to talk for more than a minute, try increasing the time or the number of times you interact with others - talk to More frequently and for longer.
4-Make sincere compliments
Try to lose the shame to compliment other people - as long as they are honest - in relation to their skills, clothing, etc.
For example, if you go to a party in which the host has prepared a delicious dish, make a compliment about his skill in the kitchen, shows Interest in knowing the recipe, etc.
One way to continue the conversation, would be to talk about other recipes that you know or would like to learn.
Surely if you start a conversation in this way, you will not have much difficulty to continue speaking naturally and spontaneously, even over Other topics of conversation.
5-Learn to receive compliments
Just as it is important for you to learn to do compliments to others, you need to learn to receive them.
Therefore, instead of showing excessive modesty, show yourself grateful and flattered.
Following the example above, if a person tells you that you have a good hand in the kitchen, you could explain who gave you the recipe, when you learned it Or how much time you have invested in cooking it.
Accepting the compliments of other people will show you as a person less shy, more confident and with confidence in yourself.
6-Make use of positive self-instructions
It is very important that you begin to change the internal language that you maintain with yourself.
Surely, until now you've always said phrases like"everyone will realize how shameful I am"or"I'll make a fool of myself speaking in public ".
As you can imagine, this type of thinking, far from helping you achieve your purpose, prevents you from developing proper social behavior.
To avoid these catastrophic thoughts, you can begin to modify them by self-instruction of courage and effectiveness, which consist of:
- Before you begin to interact, think about what you can do, and that nothing will happen if you blush.
- During social interaction, you must tell yourself how well you are doing, so that you acquire Greater self-confidence .
- Finally, at the end of the interaction, stick with the most positive aspects, so that you are aware that you can talk to others in a way effective. As for the negative aspects, you must take them into account to improve them in successive interactions.
7-Sign up for a sport or group activity
Having good experiences with others, interacting in a discerning environment, will help you change your view of social relationships.
Try to find an activity that suits your interests and abilities, instead of choosing a competitive sport that does not appeal to you.
Surely meeting people who share your hobbies and interests, you will find it much easier to relate to them.
This is also a good opportunity to interact with other people in your free time, with the added advantage that they did not know you previously and You can"start from scratch"in your relationship with them - without seeing you as the shy or withdrawn group.
8-Do not think that your life is not interesting
Many people who show a shy or withdrawn attitude act as if it were more interesting to listen to the lives of others than to talk about theirs Own.
If this is your case, try to appreciate how interesting your life and your personal experiences can be.
Avoid phrases such as"my job is very monotonous"or"my life is very boring"and think of everything that can arouse interest in others, Talking about the anecdotes of your last trip, the book you are reading, a movie that was fun, and so on.
Surely if you stop to think about it, you have many topics of conversation that may interest others.
9-Focus on the outside, not in your interior
For the conversation to be smooth, you must focus your attention on the topic of conversation, what the other person says and what you want to convey.
Focusing your attention on yourself, on what others may be thinking of you, that you are shaking or sweating your hands, will make the conversation a Uncomfortable moment for both of you - for yourself and for the one who listens to you.
Another aspect to keep in mind is Focus on the here and now . Do not let your mind be in another place, but in front of the person who speaks to you And focused on the conversation you are having.
So try to be as natural and spontaneous as possible, so that you get to enjoy while interacting.
10-Learn to value your achievements
Shyness is a Personality trait , A way of being and of relating to the world that you have been learning From your first social interactions.
It is a fairly stable dimension, so it will not be easy for you to stop being shy overnight.
For example, if you have not been to a busy party for years, you should reward yourself after attending one.
The important thing is that you apply these tips little by little, so that you avoid overwhelming yourself and develop a greater fear of relationships Interpersonal
In addition, valuing your effort and your progress will help you to keep moving forward, so that you reach your final goal.
And you, what other tips would you add to overcome shyness?
References
- Cano Vindel, A., Pellejero, M., Ferrer, M.A., Iruarrizaga, I., & Zuazo, A. (2001). Cognitive, emotional, genetic and differential aspects of shyness. Spanish magazine of motivation and emotion , 2 , 67-76.
- Gas, J. M. M. (1976). Study of the extraversion-introversion personality factor through the technique of reaction times. Yearbook of psychology / The UB Journal of psychology , (14), 9-34.
- Lane, C. (2010). The shyness . Zimerman.
- Manzano, E. S. (1990). Creative Imagination and Personality: Experimental study on relationships in creativity and introversion-extraversion. Complutense education magazine , 1 (1), 121.