Couples problems are common in an established relationship, although they can be overcome and is not something that should be postponed, since the relationship can worsen to a limit of no return. Currently separations or divorces are more frequent and people are less and less living together.
I'm going to explain How to solve couple problems In a simple way but with perseverance and disposition. For you to realize the importance of the subject, I leave you data of the countries with more divorces (data of the Business Insider):
- Belgium-70%.
- Portugal-68%.
- Hungary-67%.
- Czech Republic-66%.
- Spain-61%.
- United States-53%.
- Cuba-56%.
- Panama-27%.
- Venezuela of 27%
- Ecuador-20%.
- Mexico-15%
- Colombia-9%.
- Chile-9%.
Is it that now people are not happier living as a couple and before? Is it that now we do not hold out as much as before? I have listened to them hundreds of times. That before there was perseverance in the couple, who used to love each other for the rest of their lives.
In my opinion, the reason is not that now we can live less or we do not know how to live together, but that there is more freedom and divorce is not badly perceived socially. If you get divorced today it will be normal and few will criticize them. And what is your opinion?
You may also like this article On how to have a good relationship.
1-Understand the personal rules of your partner
We all have some personal rules that we have been building throughout our existence.
For example, several rules of your partner might be:"I feel loved by my partner when he hugs me,""I feel respected when they tell me where they go and ask me about my problems,""I feel comfortable when the house is clean And orderly."
Failure to adhere to these rules can be a major cause of a relationship's deterioration. And yet, it is rare to know each other, because we often believe that the other person has"our own vision of the world"and it is not so.
Solutions:
- Be interested in finding out the"personal rules"of your partner. Ask her what bothers and pleases her and watches.
- Try to adapt to these personal rules and do not break them.
- Tell your partner your"personal rules". For example:"I would feel respected if when you get home you tell me where you've been"or"I'd feel more loved if when you get home you give me a kiss".
- It creates common rules: for example,"when we see that we are going to start arguing in anger we will start doing something else quickly until we are upset"or"when I am angry I will tell you and I will do something else."
2-Use assertive language
"There is no one who understands you","you will never change"or"these evil thoughts"are aggressive and attacking personal expressions that will never feel good to anyone and that they will possibly remember for a long time.
It is that language that you have to eliminate from your vocabulary and change it for another that is not aggressive. You can change"there is no one who understands you"for"I do not understand you","you will never change"for"I would like you to bed in the morning"and avoid insults such as" crazy".
Solutions:
- When you want to express something that bothers you, do not attack something personal - these are destructive criticisms - but something specific. For example, you can say that the food is a bit burned instead of telling you that it is a bad cook. You can also say that it has not been cleaned instead of saying it is a piggy.
- Never insult.
- Control your facial expression and non-verbal communication. Be assertive, not aggressive. To learn to recognize these expressions better You can read this article .
- It avoids to return the attacks and therefore the escalation of the discussions.
3-Respect your partner
About a month ago I spoke with a friend who kept criticizing her boyfriend (which seems to me a lack of respect). I told him then why I was with him and she said that I would have to look for something better. Amazing! A total sample of emotional dependence .
This example is only a form of disrespect, although there are many more: lie, despise, not be considered, not interested in the other's problems...
Solutions:
- If you really want your partner, feel a sincere curiosity and respect and that will be noticed.
- Do not discuss your partner's personal issues in public. They are personal and private.
- Worry about problems and show your interest in helping solve them, but not overwhelming.
- Do not let them treat you badly either. If they do it, Report it assertively And if disrespect continues, reflect on whether it is best to walk away.
4-Be grateful to have your partner
It is very common for a member of the couple - or both - to get used to it and to believe that their partner will be there for the rest of their lives, regardless of whether they are not as kind or attentive as they used to be.
However, one day one of the two begins to tire, begins to think about what his life would be like with another person or knows another person. Until she gets tired and leaves her husband or boyfriend.
Solutions:
- Try to be attentive and kind in a persevering way.
- Know what makes your partner happy.
- Do new things: activities together, travel...
5-Do not be emotionally dependent
This would be the opposite of the previous case. It is not good to"pass the couple"but it is also not good to be too dependent and be all day earning the couple, needing it for everything.
In reality this dependent behavior what causes is that the person moves away and shows less interest. Also being dependent is not healthy and is dysfunctional.
Solutions:
- Try to be happy and independent. But that happiness does not depend on your partner. That is, your partner will be a part of your happiness.
- Do activities independently, it is not good to share everything with the couple. It is healthy for every member of the couple to have their own life. In this way there would be"life in common"and"individual life".
- Work out your self-esteem , Dependent people often have it low.
6-Be open and improve your communication
It's not that you have to tell your whole life, even your traumatic experiences. If you feel comfortable even though you are not obliged.
Although for your partner you may feel annoyed if you do not share with her some information that is much more serious like that party outing, a child with another couple, a previous marriage... Here would be a lie or at least hide the truth.
Solutions:
- Share with your partner the information you think is necessary for your comfort: previous weddings, children, parties, friendships...
- Do not lie, because in the end it is very likely that the truth will be known.
7-Show trust
Trust is basic in the couple. If you are not able to build it or if you feel that you can no longer trust, you will not be able to feel true well-being.
It is likely that if you do not trust, you are constantly asking yourself how to leave it or whether you should separate. You may not do it because you are afraid of being alone or alone and prefer to be with someone.
Over time, everything deteriorates because you will show the same interest, consideration and affection as before and your partner will notice, doing the same, which in turn will affect you. This becomes a cycle whose end is separation.
Solutions:
- Try Work trust . Communicate with your partner to convey what you would like to change.
- Show that your partner can trust you. Be considered and try to adapt to him / her.
- Adapting from one to another does not have to be total and unidirectional. That is, each member has to"pull up a little elbow".
8-Pay attention to your partner
It is true that this is something that most men fall into. Normally the man is less able to perceive how his woman feels from the facial expressions.
These expressions are then rendered as"there is none to understand." In reality the couple is showing a series of gestures or behavior that they expect you to feel worried about and you may not even notice. In fact, sometimes women have to be extremely desolate for the husband or boyfriend to notice and show interest.
Solutions:
- Be alert for body signals and the mood of your partner. It's not that you're asking all day if it's okay, only when you see important changes.
- Try to encourage the other person when you perceive those moods .
9-Do not show passive aggressiveness
In my opinion passive aggression is one of the most disgusting and disrespectful behaviors that there may be.
These behaviors include:
- Do not talk to the couple.
- Criticize the back or try to discredit.
- Ignore.
- Try to annoy voluntarily so that the other person feels bad.
Usually people believe that it is not aggressive, although it is, because it is against the self-esteem and personal value of the other person. It is therefore a great lack of respect and the other person will take it very seriously.
Solutions:
- Be aware of these kinds of behaviors and avoid them. Do not show them and do not let them show them to you.
- If you are in a bad mood because your partner has done something you do not like, let him know. You could say"now I do not feel like talking, I'm angry because you have not paid any attention to me. Please leave me alone."
- Vindictive actions that do damage only provoke culpability And more damage. Also, if you really want to show it, the best solution may be to walk away or Finish the relationship . End the relationship before you get revenge.
10-Control Negative Thoughts
Toxic thoughts are the triggers of many pointless discussions. They are due to misinterpretation of behaviors, affirmations or attitudes.
Some examples are:
- Feeling despised because your partner is watching TV and does not look at you. You can think"look at it and see the game and despise me."
- Feeling jealous Because your partner speaks happily with another person. You might think,"they're fooling around, they've already got it." You can read this article On how to overcome jealousy.
- Misunderstand neutral statements. For example, your partner says"can you bring me a glass of water?"And you think"I'm already a slave."
Solutions:
- Challenge toxic thoughts and avoid them. How do you know they are true? Have you checked it?
- Learn to communicate Assertively And without making personal attacks.
- Do not let those toxic thoughts influence you to show hurtful or aggressive behavior.
Other tips
- Reassure yourself when you notice that you are about to"explode"in an argument.
- Avoid negative internal chats with yourself.
- Listen when your partner talks and Develop your empathy .
- Think that your partner is not your property. Just share your life.
And what problems do you usually have? Have you been able to solve them? What has served you? I am interested in your opinion. Thanks!