He Emotional abandonment childish Is defined as the persistent lack of responses to emotional expressions (smiles, tears) and the approaching or interacting behaviors that children initiate. In addition to the absence of initiation of these behaviors by the main attachment figures (the parents).
Jorge feels in the bottom of his heart that he does not fit wherever he goes. Despite having a seemingly satisfying life, it accompanies a sense of permanent emptiness. What is wrong with me? "Why are the others okay, and I do not?"
Going back in time and landing in the memories of his childhood, we realize something: Jorge suffered emotional abandonment.
Jorge's parents were addicted to work and had almost no free time. They loved him, but when he had a problem at school they did not realize it. Just like when he got a mark on the tongue test, the one that put so much effort into it.
In that way, Jorge learned from a young age that he had no one to share his joy or sadness with.
Seen in general, they are usually facts that the person does not remember or that does not associate with what happens to him at the moment. What causes these individuals to become Blame Themselves from their discomfort.
In addition, unlike negligence or physical abuse , Emotional neglect leaves no observable footprint and, therefore, is difficult to identify. This phenomenon sadly is ignored in numerous occasions, and those who have suffered it suffer in silence its repercussions. Often these people feel that their emotions are not valid and have to lock them up.
Although, you can also exercise emotional withdrawal with very good Motivating intentions : How to make sure they are the best in school or excel in any sport.
In fact, it can take many forms, from imposing exaggeratedly high expectations on children to ridiculing or ignoring their opinions.
What behavior causes emotional abandonment?
- Absence of caresses, or prevent the signs of affection.
- Do not play with children.
- Scold the child when he cries or shows joy.
- Parents who suppress their feelings and there is no proper communication.
- Indifference to any mood of the child.
- Lack of support, courage and attention to the needs of the child, ignoring their concerns or interests.
What signs help to recognize emotional neglect?
1- Problems to identify and understand one's own emotions and those of others
When we see that a person has problems expressing how he feels (for example, seems impassive when a misfortune has occurred), it can be a sign that he has suffered emotional abandonment. This happens because as a child when he has expressed what he felt he has been embarrassed, scolded or simply ignored.
Thus, the person learns to hide what he feels to the point that, even if he wants to express his emotions, he is not capable. Mainly because when you feel something you do not know exactly what emotional etiquette to put on you and why you are feeling this way.
He does not give time or attention to his or her emotions (as did his parents) and this apparently does not seem to be negative, but it can put our mental health at risk. Because if feelings are not expressed, we do not eliminate them, they are only hidden and unresolved.
It is known that locking in negative emotions for a long time makes it likely that anxiety disorders , Depression and symptomatology. The latter means manifestations in health (like pains) that do not have a physical cause, but are a reflection of psychological conflicts.
How to solve it: The ideal solution to this is to work the emotions. You will ask yourself,"Can emotions be trained?"Of course, through Development of emotional intelligence .
This concept involves the ability to feel, understand, manage and change our own mood. As well as detecting, understanding and reacting appropriately to the emotions of others.
Some activities for children that foster emotional intelligence are the imitation of moods, drawing facial expressions that indicate certain emotions or music or movies.
For adults you can use emotional literacy, or broaden the range of existing emotions, making you use more labels to define how you feel. Work social and technical skills to be assertive with others or Relaxation exercises Are some articles that can help you.
2- Difficulties to trust others
It is not surprising that these people are not at all comfortable with each other and less emotionally or emotionally. They are afraid to be vulnerable or show affection or anger.
This occurs because, in the past, they have not been rewarded (or punished) when they expressed their feelings.
Therefore, they are now afraid that others will reject their signs of affection, and do the same as their parents did: mock, minimize or ignore their emotional expressions.
This translates into distrust of others, accompanied by a sense of loneliness, since they do not have with whom to"open"themselves and be themselves completely.
How to solve it: Do not be afraid to share feelings with others. It can be started by people closer and by simple or positive emotions, trying every day to express something sincere with emotional content to someone.
The ideal for this is to choose people who are already open emotionally with you and trust you, and gradually lose the fear of expressing themselves to others.
It is good to try to express various labels: today I felt confused / melancholic / strong / strange / euphoric / uncomfortable... and see how the other person reacts. The reaction is sure to be positive and it also expresses what it feels like.
It is widely known that when we talk about our emotions with others we create an atmosphere of trust in which others also feel comfortable talking to us about their feelings.
Another way to learn to trust others is to work on oneself: to increase our security and self-esteem, assuming our own value.
3- Feeling of emptiness,"something is not going well"
Most of these individuals reach the adult stage without much conflict. However, deep down they feel different from other people and notice that there is something that does not work well with themselves, but they do not know for sure what.
They always feel empty, even though things are going well for them. In fact, many of these people tend to develop addictive behaviors to try to feel better, such as Addiction to food , To work, to purchases … as well as alcohol and others Drugs .
How to solve it: First, be aware of the problem. Find the source, know what happens and why. The first step is to recognize that there was emotional abandonment, and to try to identify in the past the abandonment behaviors that the parents exercised.
Thus, the person will be prepared to face the problem and seek a solution. It is best to go to therapy, while trying to develop enriching activities (such as Learn to play an instrument or do some sport ), Avoiding falling into addictive behaviors that will only keep the problem.
4- Low self-esteem and insecurity
It happens because individuals who have been emotionally abandoned have assumed that their moods are worthless.
Something so important of us that we can not detach from our person, as are the emotions, can not be shut up or ridiculed.
This ends up causing a serious affectation in our self-concept, reinforcing the following beliefs:"how I feel is not important for others, that part of me is not valid"and"I do not deserve to be listened to or interested in my emotions" (Since their attachment figures did not).
How to solve it: In addition to recognizing the problem, one must try to work on self-esteem and self-confidence. To feel that you are valuable, no matter what, and that your emotions are worthy of being released.
To be aware of our qualities, virtues and achievements and to stop doing things to please others are two recommendations. If you want to know more, visit How Increase Self-Esteem with 11 Habits (Quickly) , 7 Exercises and Techniques for Working with Self-Esteem , From Self-Esteem Low to High Quickly: 10 Tips.
This can be very useful: Emotional Insecurity: Causes and How to Overcome It
5 - Excessive attention demands
Another frequent manifestation that we find are the constant calls of attention, which are reflected in excessive demands and continuous expressions of receiving something from others. They usually ask for things that involve affection and dedication, even in a symbolic way.
For example, if they are children they can ask the parents to buy them a certain toy or do pranks that provoke a reaction. They also show a tendency to create fanciful stories where he is the protagonist, the"hero".
In the adult stage will be observed in desires to stand out over others, need to be heard or looked at, or the establishment of Dependent and toxic relationships .
This is because they will require a single person to satiate all their needs and fill the emotional void, still unresolved.
How to solve it: The solution is to feel powerful for yourself, to gain self-esteem, to assume that you are capable of doing great things without needing the approval of others.
You can start to dedicate time to the hobby of your childhood or learn something new, try to do more things alone, have your own world and interests; And of course, establish healthy relationships.
Can help you How to Overcome Emotional Dependency: 11 Keys.
6- High cravings for perfectionism
Coupled with the above, individuals with emotional withdrawal may show an exaggerated need to win or excel among others.
This self-demand can cause damage if it is extreme, and comes from the craving to fill the emotional void and low self-esteem. Thus, they believe that nothing they do is enough or do not see the things they do well.
Another possibility is that many of them have had demanding parents who have rejected or forgotten their emotions so they do not interfere with other achievements, such as academics.
How to solve it: The fundamental thing is to know oneself, to accept oneself with its virtues and defects and to recognize that perfection does not exist. We must begin to see the positive things that one has achieved and that reaches each day.
You can find more solutions here: Perfectionism: How to Avoid It in 10 Easy Steps
7- Lack of empathy
It is logical that, if in your childhood you have not been empathic With you and have not attended to your affective needs, when you are older you have problems to be empathetic with others.
There are people who can become cruel because they have grown up with the idea that feelings do not matter.
It may also be due to an inability to detect how the other feels and act according to their emotional state. That is why they seem to have no compassion or"ice." It really comes from lack of experience, as they have never tried to put themselves in another's place (since they have seen that their attachment figures have not done so with him).
How to solve it: Training in emotional intelligence is a good way, in addition to working our social skills and learning to listen actively.
You can do mental exercises to try to imagine what the other person thinks or what motivated you to do what you are doing, even if it is not congruent with our opinion.
The problem of these people is not that they have a failure to empathize, but that they have learned to"block"that capacity that in the end we all have.
In short, in these cases it is advisable to seek professional help to guide us and motivate us to resolve emotional abandonment.
In the case of children, it may be necessary to have family psychotherapy in which both the child and his parents have to go.
Types of parents who leave their children emotionally
Most parents who exercise emotional abandon do not have bad intentions. Usually the opposite, but for whatever reasons they do not cover the affective needs of their children as they should. For example, some have suffered emotional neglect in the past and have not solved it, so that they continue to show no affection to others.
Some of the types of parents that can cause this phenomenon in their children are:
- Very authoritarian parents: Are very strict with the rules and can be insensitive to the emotional reactions of their children. They only reward small ones for being obedient, ignoring the affective contact or leaving it to the second plane. They are reluctant to spend time listening and understanding the feelings of children.
- Narcissistic Fathers: Pretend to meet their needs and fulfill their desires through their children, as if they were a reflection of themselves. So, no matter the preferences or feelings of the children, they are not taken into account, they only look at what benefits them.
- Very permissive parents: Do not set limits on their children and give them too much independence. This in extreme is not suitable for them because they feel disoriented on how to guide their life in some moments. Even the little one does not know if his parents are really permissive or that freedom is a sign that they ignore him and are not interested in his well-being.
- Perfectionist Fathers: They always see what can be improved and what their children achieve is never enough. Thus, the little one feels that he can only achieve acceptance and love through being successful in everything, having no value how they feel or what they need.
- Absent parents: For various reasons such as death, illness, separation, work, travel, etc. They are not part of the life of their children and these grow with other figures of attachment as brothers, grandparents or nannies.
Quite simply these children do not have the opportunity to connect emotionally with their parents.
- Overprotective Parents: It can be a form of emotional abandonment to restrain the initiative of the little ones, repress them and fix them nonsense fears. Excessive protection ultimately distances them from their peers and makes them dependent and insecure.
On the other hand, according to Escudero Álvaro (1997), abandonment is a passive maltreatment that can be total or partial:
- Passive parents who leave emotionally: Is the most extreme case, and it is the continuous absence of responses to attempts at affective interaction of the children. This occurs infrequently and leads to very serious disorders in children.
- Parents who exercise neglect in psycho-affective care: In this case there are both the deficiencies of partial responses to the emotional needs of children, and incongruent responses to them. Thus, an oversight of the needs of protection, stimulation and support is generated.
Be that as it may, the result is the same: an emotional disconnect between the adult and the child, feeling misunderstood and insecure. These feelings will be an obstacle to developing a positive vision of self and proper social relationships in the future.
However, here you can learn the 11 signs to recognize emotional neglect and how it can be solved.
Now is your turn: Do you know people who block their feelings? Can you think of more ways to resolve an emotional dropout?
References
- Emotional Abandonment. (S.f.). Retrieved on September 16, 2016, from ASAPMI.
2. Bringiotti, Comín (2002) Handbook of Intervention in Child Abuse.
3. Escudero Álvaro, C. (1997). Emotional or psychological abuse. In Casado Flores, J., Díaz Huertas, J.A. And Martínez González, C. (Ed.), Children Abused (pp. 133-134). Madrid, Spain: Ediciones Díaz de Santos
4. Summers, D. (February 18, 2016). How to Recognize and Overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect. Retrieved from GoodTherapy.org.
5. Webb, J. (s.f.). Childhood Emotional Neglect: The Fatal Flaw. Retrieved on September 16, 2016, from PsychCentral.
6. Webb, J. (s.f.). What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? Retrieved on September 16, 2016, by Dr. Jonice Webb.