"The Emotional intelligence Emerges as a much stronger predictor of who will be most successful, because how we control ourselves in our personal relationships determines how well we get when we get work."- Daniel Goleman .
With that phrase of the author of one of the most important works of Psychology of the last decades, it summarizes the importance that the competence of the emotional intelligence has.
That is why I have decided to make a summary of this book so practical and that so much influence can have in your life, if you decide to act and not just stay in reading.
In a recent study of the best workers in different companies, from basic positions to executive positions, the most important factor was not IQ but emotional intelligence. Of all the competencies required to properly perform job functions, 67% were emotional competencies.
I think many people think Goleman invented this term, however, it was first introduced by Wayne Payne and later developed by psychologists Peter Salovey and John D. in the 1990s. However, it was popularized from This best seller.
Although this is a summary of the book, I advise you to read it all, as it can make a big difference in your life. You can find it in amazon .
You may also be interested in These phrases or This summary from Your incorrect zones , Book that in my opinion perfectly complements this.
What did you think of the summary? Do you think it will have influence in your life? Have you already had it? Tell me, I'm interested! Thanks!
THE CHALLENGE OF ARISTÓTELES
In the last decade we have witnessed a constant bombardment of this news which is a faithful reflection of our degree of emotional turpitude, our desperation and the folly of our family, our community and, in short, our whole society.
This emotional malaise is also the cause of the alarming increase in depression worldwide and the aftermath of the disturbing wave of violence: armed school children, car crashes that end in gunshot, resentful people who massacre their Old co-workers, and so on.
It has been possible to see the existence of two opposing tendencies, one that reflects the growing calamity of our emotional life and the other that seems to provide us with some highly hopeful solutions.
WHY?? THIS INVESTIGATION NOW?
The new technological means have revealed for the first time in human history one of the most profound mysteries: the exact functioning of that intricate mass of cells while we are thinking, feeling, imagining or dreaming.
This understanding of emotional activity and its shortcomings gives us new solutions to remedy the collective emotional crisis.
Capabilities such as self-control, enthusiasm, perseverance and the ability to motivate oneself can be taught to children, thus giving them the opportunity to make the best possible return to their intellectual potential in the genetic lottery.
The importance of emotional intelligence is that it is the link between feelings, character and moral impulses.
PART I: THE EMOTIONAL BRAIN
1.-WHAT ARE THE EMOTIONS?
When sociobiologists seek an explanation for the important role that evolution has assigned to emotions in the human psyche, they do not hesitate to emphasize the preponderance of the heart over the head at really crucial moments.
It is the emotions that allow us to deal with situations that are too difficult - risk, irreparable losses, persistence in achieving an objective despite frustrations, relationships, the creation of a family, etc. - as to be solved Exclusively with the intellect. Each emotion predisposes us in a different way from action; Each of them indicates a direction that, in the past, allowed to adequately solve the innumerable challenges to which human existence has been subjected. In this sense, our emotional baggage has an extraordinary value of survival and this importance is confirmed by the fact that emotions have ended up integrating in the nervous system in the form of innate and automatic tendencies of our heart.
We have overestimated the importance of purely rational aspects (of everything measured by IQ) for human existence, but for good or ill, in those moments when we are dragged by emotions, our intelligence is frankly overflowing.
WHEN PASSION EXCEEDS REASON
The first laws and codes of ethics-the Hammurabi code, the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament, or the edicts of the Emperor Ashoka-should be considered as attempts to restrain, subdue and domesticate the emotional life, since, as Freud already explained in Culture, society has been forced to impose external norms designed to contain the overflowing tide of the emotional excesses that flow from within the individual.
In spite of all the limitations imposed by society, reason is overwhelmed from time to time by passion, an imponderable human nature whose origin is based on the architecture of our mental life.
All too often, in short, we are forced to confront the challenges posed by the postmodern world with emotional resources adapted to the needs of the Pleistocene.
Impulses for action
All emotions are, in essence, impulses that lead us to act, programs of automatic reaction with which we have endowed evolution.
The distinct biological imprint of each emotion shows that each of them plays a unique role in our emotional repertoire.
Our two minds
In a very real sense, we all have two minds, one mind that thinks and another mind that feels, and these two fundamental forms of knowledge interact to build our mental life. One of them is the rational mind, the mode of understanding of which we tend to be conscious, more awake, more thoughtful, more capable of pondering and reflecting. The other type of knowledge, more impulsive and more powerful - although sometimes illogical - is the emotional mind.
Most of the time, these two minds - the emotional mind and the rational mind - operate in close collaboration, intertwining their different forms of knowledge to guide us appropriately throughout the world.
But when the passions appear, the balance is broken and the emotional mind overflows and sequesters the rational mind.
2. ANATOMY OF AN EMOTIONAL KIDNAPPING
Emotional explosions (outbursts of violence) constitute a kind of neuronal sequestration. As the evidence suggests, at such times a center of the limbic system declares the state of emergency and recruits all the resources of the brain to carry out its priceless task. This sequestration takes place in an instant and triggers a decisive reaction even before the neocortex-the thinking brain-has even the possibility of fully realizing what is happening, let alone still decide whether it is an adequate response . The distinguishing feature of this type of abduction is that, after the critical moment, the subject does not know well what has just happened.
But not all limbic kidnappings are so dangerous because, for example, when someone experiences a fit of laughter, he is also dominated by a limbic reaction, and so is the moment of intense joy.
THE HEADQUARTERS OF ALL PASSIONS
The amygdala is specialized in emotional issues and is now considered as a limbic structure closely linked to the processes of learning and memory. The interruption of existing connections between the amygdala and the rest of the brain causes an astonishing inability to gauge the emotional significance of events, a condition sometimes called"affective blindness."
The amygdala, then, is a kind of repository of emotional memory and, consequently, can also be regarded as a deposit of meaning. That is why a life without amygdala is a life stripped of all personal meaning. But the amygdala is not only linked to affections but also related to passions.
The functioning of the amygdala and its interrelationship with the neocortex are the very core of emotional intelligence.
THE NEURONAL REPEATER
The most interesting moments to understand the power of the emotions in our mental life are those in which we are immersed in passionate actions of which later, once the waters have returned to their channel, we repent
The amygdala becomes an important watchman of the mental life, a sort of psychological sentinel that faces every situation, every perception, considering a single question, the most primitive of all:"Is it something I hate? May it hurt me? What do I fear?"If the answer to this question is yes, the amygdala will react to the moment putting all its neural resources into operation and wiring an urgent message to all regions of the brain.
The extensive network of neural connections of the amygdala allows, during an emotional crisis, to recruit and direct a large part of the brain, including the rational mind.
THE EMOTIONAL CENTRAL
The amygdala may lead us to act even before the slower - though certainly more informed - neocortex unfolds its more refined plans of action.
Anatomically speaking, the emotional system can act independently of the neocortex. There are certain emotional reactions and memories that take place without the least conscious cognitive participation. The amygdala can trigger a response before the cortical centers have completely understood what is happening.
THE SPECIALIST IN EMOTIONAL MEMORY
Unconscious opinions are emotional memories that are stored in the amygdala.
The hippocampus is a fundamental structure for recognizing a face like that of her cousin, but it is the amygdala that adds the emotional climate that does not seem to hold her in high esteem.
The brain has two recording systems, one for ordinary events and another for memories with an intense emotional charge, something that is of great evolutionary interest because it ensures that animals have particularly vivid memories of what they Threat and what they like.
AN ANTICUATED NEURONAL ALARM SYSTEM
One of the drawbacks of this neuronal alarm system is that, more often than not, the urgency message sent by the amygdala is often obsolete, especially in the changing social world in which we humans move.
It makes us react to the present with responses that were recorded long ago, with thoughts, emotions and reactions learned in response to vaguely similar events, sufficiently similar to get to activate the amygdala.
WHEN EMOTIONS ARE QUICK AND TOUGH
The amygdala may react with a fit of rage or fear before the cortex knows what is happening, because the emotion is set in motion before thought and in a completely independent way.
HARMONIZING EMOTION AND THOUGHT
The connections between the amygdala (and limbic structures related to it) and the neocortex form the center of gravity of the struggles and treatises of cooperation between heart and head, between thoughts and feelings. This nerve path, in short, would explain the reason why emotion is so fundamental to think effectively, both to make intelligent decisions and to simply think clearly.
In a way, we have two brains and two different kinds of intelligence: rational intelligence and emotional intelligence and our functioning in life is determined by both. Therefore it is not the IQ (intellect) that we should only consider, but we must also consider emotional intelligence.
PART II: THE NATURE OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
3.-WHEN IT IS READY
Even the most prominent people with a higher IQ can be lousy helmsmen of their life and get caught in the pitfalls of unbridled passions and unruly drives.
At best, IC seems to contribute only 20% of the determinants of success. Emotional intelligence can be so decisive-and. Sometimes even more than the Cl.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AND DESTINATION
As with reading or math, for example, Emotional Life is an area - including a set of skills - that can be mastered with greater or lesser skill. And the degree of mastery a person has over these skills is crucial in determining why certain individuals thrive in life while others, with a similar intellectual level, end up in a dead end. Emotional competence is, in short, a meta-skill that determines the degree of dexterity that we will attain in the mastery of all our other faculties.
THE IC AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE: THE PURE TYPES
IC and emotional intelligence are not opposed but only different concepts. All of us represent a peculiar combination between the intellect and the emotion, every person is the result of the
Combination, in different proportions, between IQ and emotional intelligence.
4. GET TO YOURSELF
Being aware of oneself means"being aware of our moods and the thoughts we have about those moods. To be conscious of oneself, in short, is to be attentive to the internal states without reacting to them and without judging them.
THE PASSIONATE AND THE INDIFFERENT
In extreme cases, the emotional awareness of some people is overwhelming while that of others is almost non-existent.
THE MAN WITHOUT FEELINGS
The term Alexithymia , Was coined in 1972 by Dr. Peter Sifneos, a Harvard psychiatrist, to refer to a type of patients who"seem to be different, strange beings who come from a world completely different from ours, beings living in the midst of A society governed by feelings."
PRAISE OF VISCERAL FEELINGS
Feelings play a fundamental role in navigating through the incessant stream of personal decisions that life forces us to take. It is true that very intense feelings can create havoc in reasoning, but it is also true that the lack of awareness of feelings can be absolutely disastrous, especially in those cases where we have to carefully weigh decisions that, to a great extent , Our future depends. These are decisions that can not be taken exclusively with reason but also require the concurrence of the visceral sensations and the emotional wisdom accumulated by past experience.
SOUNDING THE UNCONSCIOUS
Self-consciousness-the faculty that seeks to strengthen psychotherapy-is fundamental to psychological introspection.
Although we have no idea of them, the fact is that the emotions that boom under the threshold of consciousness can have a powerful impact on our way of perceiving and reacting. But once the subject becomes aware of this fact - once his cortex registers it - he can evaluate things in a new way, decide to leave aside the feelings that he experienced that day and thus transform his vision and his state of cheer up.
5. SLAVES OF THE PASSION
Self-control, this ability to cope with the emotional setbacks of the vicissitudes of destiny and emancipation from the"slavery of the passions"has been a highly praised virtue since Plato's time.
Keeping anxious emotions in check is the key to our emotional well-being. Life is sown with ups and downs, but we must learn to maintain balance.
THE ANATOMY OF SPIRIT
It is very likely that the amygdala is the main seat of the sudden flash of anger. But at the other end of the emotional circuit, the neocortex tends to foster a kind of more calculated anger, such as cold revenge or the reactions that infidelity and injustice provoke.
The"irruption"of rabies
The universal trigger of anger is the feeling of being threatened. And we are referring not only to the physical threat but also, as is often the case, to any symbolic threat to our self-esteem or self-esteem.
A Balm for Boredom
The first way to subtract strength from anger is to pay close attention to and realize the thoughts that trigger the first shock of anger.
Cooling
Perhaps a healthier alternative is to take a long walk. Active exercise contributes to dominate anger and the same can be said of relaxation methods, such as deep breathing and muscle strain because these exercises can alleviate the high physiological excitement caused by anger and promote a state of minor Excitement and also obviously because that way one distracts from the stimulus that aroused the anger. But the period of cooling will be of no use if we use it to continue feeding the chain of irritating thoughts, since each of these constitutes, in itself, a small detonator that makes possible new outbreaks of cholera.
The fallacy of catharsis
There is a powerful argument against catharsis, an argument that began to be drawn from the 1950s onwards when psychologists experimentally tested the effects of catharsis and found that the fact of airing the anger of little or nothing serves to mitigate .
CLAPPING ANXIETY: WHAT'S WORRIED WITH ME?
In fact, every concern is based on the alertness of a potential danger that has undoubtedly been essential for survival at some point in our evolutionary process.
The problem arises when the concern becomes chronic and repetitive, when it is repeated continuously without ever seeking a positive solution.
A way to work with worry
There is nothing more difficult for a chronically apprehensive than following the advice most often given:"Stop worrying."
The first step is to become aware of yourself and record the first access of concern as soon as possible. With proper training, the person can come to grasp the emergence of concern at a time that is closer to the beginning of the anxiety spiral.
The next step is to take a critical stance on the beliefs underlying the concern. Is it certainly possible that the feared event may occur?
THE CONTROL OF SADNESS
All sadness should not be avoided because, as with any other mood, it has its positive facets. But, while sadness is useful, depression, on the other hand, is not.
People with sufficient internal resources can handle this type of melancholy on their own, but unfortunately some of the strategies most frequently employed are downright harmful and only make the situation worse. One of these strategies is isolation, which, while it may be attractive when we feel down, also contributes to increase our sense of loneliness and helplessness.
The most widespread tactic to combat depression is social activities, that is, eating out, going to see a sporting event or a movie; In short, share some kind of activity with friends
Or with the family. This type of activity can be very effective as long as it becomes clear that the goal is to make the mind forget its sadness because otherwise it will only perpetuate its mood.
Two strategies have been especially effective in this struggle: one of them is to learn to confront the thoughts that are hidden in the very core of the obsession, question its validity and consider more positive alternatives. The other is to deliberately establish a program of enjoyable activities that seeks some kind of distraction.
Mood Elevators
Aerobics is one of the most effective tactics to shake off both mild depression and other negative moods.
A more constructive approach to raising the mood is to project an activity that can provide us with a small triumph or an easy success, such as doing some domestic task that we have postponed (such as fencing the garden, for example) or concluding some activity Slope that we have been avoiding. For the same reason, changes of image, if only in the way of dressing or fixing, can also be beneficial.
One of the most effective antidotes against depression is the so-called cognitive restructuring or, in other words, trying to look at things from a different perspective.
Another effective mood lift is to help those in need. Since depression is fueled by obsessions and worries that revolve around one's self, helping one who is afflicted can help to get rid of this kind of concern.
6. THE MASTER FITNESS
According to the studies that have been carried out in this domain, Olympic athletes, world-famous composers and the great teachers of chess share a high motivation and a rigorous training routine
What seems to differentiate those who are at the peak of their career from others who, having a similar capacity, do not reach that level, lies in the arduous and routine practice followed over the years and years. And this perseverance depends fundamentally on emotional factors, such as enthusiasm and tenacity in the face of all kinds of setbacks.
A strong cultural ethic of work translates into greater motivation, zeal and perseverance, a real emotional spur.
THE CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES: THE TEST OF THE GOLOSINAS
Early life skills end up flourishing and giving rise to a wide range of social and emotional skills.
The ability to delay gratification contributes to the intellectual potential in a way completely alien to the same IC. There is a growing conviction that emotional skills such as mastery of impulses and the ability to read social situations is something that can be learned.
NEGATIVE STEMS OF NEGATIVE, NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
Worry is the essence of the pernicious effects of anxiety on all kinds of mental activity. Worry is, in a way, a useful but misguided response, a kind of mental rehearsal in anticipation of a threat. But this mental rehearsal becomes a real cognitive disaster when our mind is caught up in an obsolete routine that captures our attention And prevents any attempt to focus it elsewhere.
Positive moods increase the ability to think flexibly and intricately, making it easier to find solutions to problems, whether intellectual or interpersonal. This seems to indicate that one way to help someone solve a problem is to tell them a joke. Laughter, like euphoria, seems to broaden perspective and thus helps people think more widely and associate more freely, noting relationships that might otherwise go unnoticed, an important mental ability , Not only for creativity but also for the recognition of complex relationships and the anticipation of the consequences of a given decision.
Even the slightest changes of mood can change our thoughts. The ability to plan and make decisions of people in a good mood presents a perceptive predisposition that leads them to think in a more open and positive.
In the same way, negative moods also bias our memories in a negative direction, making it more likely that we engage in more fearful and suspicious decisions.
THE POWER OF POSITIVE THINKING
According to modern researchers, hope not only offers comfort to affliction but plays a very important role in domains as diverse as school achievement and the fact of enduring heavy work. Technically speaking, hope is more than the naive vision that all will be well; It is"the belief that one has the will and has the form to carry out its objectives, whatever they are".
From the point of view of emotional intelligence, hope means that one does not give in to anxiety, defeatism or depression when encountering difficulties and setbacks. In fact, hopeful people become less depressed in their navigation through life in pursuit of their goals and also are less anxious in general and experience less emotional tensions.
OPTIMISM: THE GREAT MOTIVATOR
Optimism - just like hope - means having a strong expectation that, in general, things will go well despite setbacks and frustrations. From the point of view of emotional intelligence, optimism is an attitude that prevents one from falling into apathy, despair or depression in the face of adversity. And just as with her cousin sister, hope, optimism - if it is a realistic optimism (because naive optimism can turn out to be disastrous) - has its benefits.
THE"FLOW": THE NEUROBIOLOGY OF EXCELLENCE
"People seem to concentrate better when asked for something more than usual, in which case they are able to go beyond normal. If the demand is much lower than its capacity, the person is bored and if, on the contrary, it is excessive, it ends up distressing. The state of «flow» takes place in that delicate fringe that separates boredom from anxiety ».
The ability to enter the state of"flow"is the best example of emotional intelligence, a state that may represent the higher degree of control of emotions in the service of performance and
learning. In that state the emotions are not repressed or channeled, but, on the contrary, they are activated, positivadas and aligned with the task that we are carrying out. To get caught
By the tedium of depression or by the agitation of anxiety it is necessary to separate from the"flow".- Csikszentmihalyi.
The distinguishing feature of this extraordinary experience is a sense of spontaneous joy, even of rapture. It is a state in which one feels so good that it is intrinsically rewarding, a
A state in which people are completely absorbed and gives undivided attention to what they are doing and their consciousness merges with their action.
There are several ways to enter the"flow"state. One of them is to intentionally focus attention on the task at hand; We must not forget that the essence of"flow"is concentration.
Another possible way to enter this state can also occur when the person undertakes a task for which he is trained and engages with it at a level that requires all of its faculties.
LEARNING AND"FLOW": A NEW EDUCATIONAL MODEL
Above all else, what painters want is to paint. If the artist in front of the canvas begins to wonder how much the work will sell or what the critics will think of it, it will be unable to open new paths. The creative work demands a delivery without conditions.
The"flow"model suggests that the attainment of mastery in any skill or body of knowledge must take place naturally insofar as the child is concerned with the areas in which he spontaneously feels more engaged, that is, The more he likes
Channeling emotions toward a more productive end is a true masterful aptitude. Whether it is to control impulses, to delay gratification, to regulate our moods to facilitate - and not hinder - thinking, to motivate ourselves to persevere and to cope with setbacks or to find ways to get into" Flow"and so act more effectively, all this seems to demonstrate the great power of emotions to guide our efforts more effectively.
7. THE ROOTS OF EMPATHY
Self-consciousness is the faculty on which empathy is erected, since the more open we are to our own emotions, the greater will be our skill in understanding the feelings of others.
This capacity, which allows us to know what others feel, affects a wide range of activities (from sales to business management, through to compassion, politics, love relationships and the education of our children) and their Absence, which is extremely revealing, we can find it in psychopaths, rapists and pederasts.
THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE EMPATHY
Much of the existing differences in the degree of empathy are directly related to the education that parents provide to their children. Children are more empathetic when their education
Includes, for example, awareness of the harm that their conduct may cause to others.
THE NEUROLOGY OF EMPATHY
The amygdala and its connections to the visual area of the cortex constitute the brain's seat of empathy.
When the emotional brain imprints on the body a violent reaction - like the tension of an anger, for example - empathy is almost impossible. Empathy requires calm and receptivity enough that the subtle signals manifested by the feelings of the other person can be captured and reproduced by our own emotional brain.
8. THE SOCIAL ARTS
To be able to connect with others requires a minimum of inner peace. It is precisely in this period that, instead of resorting to brute force, appear the first distinctive features of the ability to control one's emotions, to wait without whining, reasoning or persuading
The requirement to control the emotions of others - in order to master the art of relationships - consists in the development of two fundamental emotional skills: self-control and empathy.
THE EXPRESSION OF EMOTIONS
The ability to express one's feelings is a fundamental social skill.
EXPRESSIVITY AND EMOTIONAL COUNT
The daily imitation of feelings is often very subtle. When people see a smiling face or an angry face, the musculature of their own faces tends to undergo a subtle transformation in the same direction, a transformation that, while not evident, can be manifested by the use of electronic sensors.
The sense of the transfer of moods between two people ranges from the most expressive to the most passive. However, there are people especially prone to emotional contagion, since their innate sensitivity makes them Your autonomic nervous system (An indicator of emotional activity) is more easily activated.
The degree of emotional harmony that a person experiences in a given encounter is reflected in the way in which he adapts his physical movements to those of his interlocutor. The synchrony seems to facilitate the emission and reception of moods, even if it is negative moods.
Those who are more skilled in attuning to the moods of others or in imposing on others their own moods are also emotionally kinder.
THE RUDIMENTS OF SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE
Socially intelligent people can easily connect with others, are skilled in reading their reactions and feelings and can also lead, organize and resolve the conflicts that appear in any human interaction. They are natural leaders, people who know how to express latent collective feelings and articulate them to guide the group towards its goals. They are the kind of people with whom others like to be because they are emotionally nurturing, leave others in good spirits and awaken the comment that"it is a pleasure to be with someone like that".
THE GENESIS OF SOCIAL INCOMPETENCE
Psychologists have coined the term dysemia to refer to the inability to capture non-verbal messages, a point at which one child in ten often has problems. This problem may lie in ignoring the existence of a personal space (and therefore remaining too close to the people with whom it is speaking and invading its territory), in interpreting or poorly using body language, in improperly interpreting or using expressiveness Facial expression (for example, not looking at who is spoken) or a prosody (the emotional quality of speech) certainly deficient that leads them to speak in a tone too strident or too monotonous.
THE CRITICAL MOMENT
The two deadly sins that often arouse the rejection of others are the attempt to take over too soon and not tune into the frame of reference. But this is precisely what unpopular children tend to do, trying to change the subject too abruptly or too early, or giving their opinions and disagreeing immediately with others, overt attempts to draw attention and, Paradoxically, leads them to be ignored or rejected. In contrast, popular children, before approaching a group, tend to observe it to understand what is happening and then do something to ratify their acceptance, hoping to confirm their status in the group before taking the initiative to suggest what everyone should do.
THE EMOTIONAL GLOW: CASE REPORT
If the ability to quench the restlessness of others is a test of social prowess, the fact of doing so in the midst of rage is a veritable demonstration of mastery. The data on Self-regulation of anguish and emotional contagion suggest that an effective strategy may be to distract the angry person, empathize with their feelings and their perspective and then direct their attention to an alternative focus, one that connects them with a field of feelings more Positive, something that could well be described as a kind of emotional judo.
PART III: APPLIED EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
9. ENEMY ENEMIES
The low percentage of marriages and the high number of divorces in the world today would turn maturity into an endangered life stage that would require, today more than ever, the contest of emotional intelligence.
THE CHILDREN'S BACKGROUND OF TWO CONCEPTIONS DIFFERENT FROM MARRIAGE
The existence of two different emotional realities - the one of the woman and the one of the man - in the same relation of pair is known. And while the origin of these emotional differences partly responds to biological reasons, it also has to do with childhood and the different emotional worlds in which children grow up.
With the exception of anger, parents speak more of the emotions with their daughters than with their children and that is why girls have more information about the emotional world.
And this disparity in emotional education ends up developing very different skills, since girls are fond of reading emotional indicators and expressing and communicating their feelings. Boys, on the other hand, specialize in minimizing emotions related to vulnerability, guilt, fear and pain.
Men are usually very optimistic about the actual situation of their marriage while women are more sensitive to the problematic aspects of the relationship.
There is no doubt that the awkwardness of men to notice the problems of the relationship is due to their relative lack of ability to decipher the emotional content of facial expressions. Women are often much more sensitive than men to capture a gesture of sadness
THE MATRIMONIAL FAILURE
Destructive criticism is an incipient warning sign that the marriage is in danger. But this type of complaint is more than just a protest, it is a real
Personality of the other, a criticism directed at the individual and not at his actions.
TOXIC THOUGHTS
The thought that one is an innocent victim or that one has the right to be indignant is typical of those marriages in crisis that, in one way or another, are continually attacked. Once such thoughts - such as righteous indignation - become automated, they play a self-confirming role and. In this way, the member of the couple who feels victim constantly lurks all that the other does to confirm his own opinion that he is being attacked or despised while ignoring at the same time any minimally positive act that may challenge or contradict This vision
In similar situations, couples who are free of such mental processes tend to adopt a more positive interpretation, so they are less likely to experience emotional abduction and, if they do, they recover more quickly.
Couples who take a pessimistic stance are highly prone to emotional abduction and become angry, offended and annoyed by everything their partner does, growing in irritation as the discussion progresses. This state of internal restlessness, coupled with their pessimistic attitude, makes them more inclined to resort to criticism and inconsiderate complaints in the disagreements with their partner, which in turn increases the probability of ending up adopting a defensive or defensive attitude. Clear closure.
THE OVERFLOW: THE SHIPMENT OF MARRIAGE
There are people who have a high threshold of overflow, people who easily endure anger and reproaches while others, on the other hand, jump off at the very moment their spouse criticizes them.
It is clear that, at some time or other, all couples go through moments of similar intensity. The problem begins when one or another spouse continually feels overwhelmed.
THE MEN. THE VULNERABLE SEX
While husbands are prone to less negative overflows, they often experience emotional overflow more easily. And once this takes place, the lesser sign of negativity of the wife triggers a greater secretion of adrenaline on the part of the husband, which means that it requires more time to recover physiologically from the overflow.
The reason that men are so predisposed to intrude on themselves is to look for it in the protection that this situation offers them against the emotional overflow.
TIPS FOR MARRIAGE
Generally speaking, men and women need different emotional remedies. In this sense, our recommendation would be that men do not try to avoid conflicts but instead try to understand that the calls of attention of a wife or his signs of disgust can be motivated by love and by the attempt to maintain The fluidity and health of the relationship (although, admittedly, overt hostility may also respond to other motives).
The buried accumulation of complaints grows in intensity until the moment an explosion occurs, while its open expression, instead, releases the excess pressure. Husbands, for their part, must understand that anger and discontent are not synonymous with personal attack but merely indicators of the emotional intensity with which their wives live the relationship.
Men should also be careful not to try to settle a discussion prematurely by proposing a precipitous pragmatic solution because, for a wife, it is extremely important to feel that her husband listens to her complaints and empathizes with her feelings
Since one of the main problems for the man is that his wife is often too vehement in making their complaints, she should make the effort not to attack him personally.
THE"GOOD FURS"
A global strategy that can contribute to the successful functioning of marriage is not to focus on those specific issues that often trigger marital brawls (such as child care, sex, money and work Domestic) but, instead, try to cultivate the emotional intelligence together and thus increase the chances of things flowing through quieter channels.
Calm down oneself
One of the key competencies is that both partners learn to calm their most distressing feelings, which means developing the ability to recover quickly from the overflow that abrogates all emotional abduction.
Detoxing from self-talk with oneself
If we consider that the negative thoughts about our partner are the trigger of the emotional overflow, we will not be difficult to understand the great relief that can cause the woman or the husband affected by this type of criticism to expose them.
Listen and speak in a non-defensive way
Listening is a skill that helps keep the couple together. Even in the midst of a heated discussion, when both the wife and the husband are in the grip of an emotional abduction, he, or sometimes both, could redress the situation by trying to calm down and respond positively to any conciliatory intent
Empathy - listening to the real feelings underlying the verbal message - is the most effective way of listening without adopting a defensive attitude.
There is a very effective method, often used in marriage therapy, which is called"mirroring"and allows for an appropriately emotional listening. When one partner expresses a demand, the other must reformulate it in his own words, trying to express not only the thoughts but also the underlying feelings involved.
10. EXECUTIVES WITH HEART
The fact that the lack of emotional intelligence has a cost is a relatively new idea in the world of work, an idea that some entrepreneurs only accept with many reservations.
Some of the reasons for this situation are clear, let us imagine, if not, the consequences of a work team in which someone was unable to repress an outburst of anger or who lacked the sensitivity needed to capture what people feel Surrounds him
Leadership is not about controlling others, but about the art of persuading them to collaborate in building a common goal.
THE CRITICISM IS OUR FIRST QUEHACER
In a sense, criticism is one of the most important functions of a boss, but it is also one of the most feared and overlooked. The way in which criticism is expressed and received is a determining factor in the satisfaction of the worker with his role, his colleagues and his superiors.
The worst way to motivate someone
If a boss does not express his feelings quickly, his frustration will slowly increase until, on the most unexpected day, he suddenly explodes. If, on the contrary, it manifests its criticisms, the employee will at least have the possibility to correct the problem. Too often, people only express their criticism when things have already reached an extreme point; In other words, when they are too angry to be able to control what they say.
The right strategy
Appropriate criticism is not so much about attributing errors to a character trait as it is about focusing on what the person has done and can do.
Be concrete. Focus on some significant incident, some event that illustrates a key problem that needs to change or some poor agenda.
Stay present. Criticism, like praise, is more effective face to face and in private.
Stay sensitive. This is a call to empathy, to try to tune in to the impact of your words and your expression on the receiver.
ACCEPTING DIVERSITY
The culture of enterprise must foster tolerance even if individual prejudices persist.
The roots of prejudice
Learning the emotional component of prejudice takes place at such an early age that even those who understand that it is a mistake have a hard time eradicating it altogether.
No tolerance for intolerance
The most effective diversity training courses impose a new explicit context of rules that puts prejudices out of place, encouraging silent spectators to manifest their
Discomforts and objections. Another active ingredient of diversity training courses is to assume the other's point of view, a position that fosters empathy and tolerance, because it is
The more likely you are to manifest yourself clearly against something when you have been able to experience it directly in your own flesh.
In short, then, it is more practical to try to eliminate the expression of prejudices than to try to change that attitude, since stereotypes change very slowly
THE WISDOM OF ORGANIZATIONS AND THE COLLECTIVE CI
Wherever people come together to collaborate, whether in an organizational planning meeting or in a team that aspires to the creation of a common product, there is a very real sense of
A kind of group IQ that constitutes the sum total of the talents and abilities of all those involved. And it is this CI that determines how well they do their job.
Informal networks are especially interesting to solve unforeseen problems. "The formal organization is established to solve easily anticipated problems,"says a study of
This type of networks, but when unexpected problems appear, the formal organization often becomes inoperative.
11. MIND AND MEDICINE
There is clear evidence that the preventive and curative efficacy of medicine could be enhanced if it were not limited to the clinical condition of the patients but also their emotional state.
«THE MIND OF THE BODY»: RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN EMOTIONS AND HEALTH
Emotions have a very powerful effect on the autonomic nervous system (responsible, among other things, for regulating the amount of insulin released in the blood and blood pressure).
Stress, therefore, decreases immunological resistance, at least on a provisional basis, perhaps as a conservation strategy of energy needed to cope with a situation that seems
Threatening to the survival of the individual. But, in case the stress is intense and prolonged, the inhibition can end up becoming a permanent condition.
TOXIC EMOTIONS: CLINICAL DATA
While there is a great deal of research showing that stress and negative emotions weaken the effectiveness of different types of immune cells, it is not always clear that their scope establishes some kind of clinical difference.
It is evident that panic and anxiety increase blood pressure and that, consequently, the blood pressure-dilated veins bleed more profusely when they are sectioned by the surgeon's scalpel.
When anger is suicidal
Each new outburst of anger increases the heart rate and blood pressure, thus forcing the heart to an additional overexertion which, if repeated over time, may end up being extremely harmful, especially if we also consider that the force of blood flowing through The coronary artery to each beat in these circumstances' may lead to micro-tears of the blood vessels, which favor the development of plaque.
The most appropriate antidote against irritability is the development of a more confident attitude. All that is required is an adequate motivation, but when people realize that their irritation can quickly lead them to the grave, they are much more predisposed to try."
Stress: disproportionate and inopportune anxiety
According to the available scientific experience, it is quite possible that anxiety - the anguish caused by the pressures of life - is the emotion that is most related to the onset and the process of
Recovery from disease.
Experiments have shown that stress and anxiety weaken the strength of the immune system, but it is not clear enough whether the extent of this decline has any clinical relevance, that is, whether it is so decisive as to leave the path to the disease expedient.
It is understandable, therefore, that health risks are increased in the case of those trades whose performance requires extreme effort and efficiency without the subject having the least possibility to control the conditions of work
THE CLINICAL BENEFITS OF POSITIVE FEELINGS
But if the various forms of chronic emotional distress can become harmful, the opposite range of emotions can be, to some extent, invigorating.
The cost of pessimism and the advantages of optimism
Pessimism - like depression - has its price, while optimism, on the other hand, has considerable advantages.
With the help of my friends: the clinical value of interpersonal relationships
Studies conducted over two decades on more than thirty-seven thousand subjects have shown that social isolation - the feeling that one has no one to share their feelings with or maintain a certain intimacy - doubles the odds of contracting an illness And to die.
Soledad, however, does not mean isolation. There are many people who are retired or have very few friends and who, on the other hand, feel satisfied and enjoy excellent health. The isolation that involves a clinical risk consists in the subjective feeling of uprooting and of having no one to turn to.
The healing power of emotional support
In some research the effect of emotional confessions has been demonstrated. In one subject it strengthened the immune function, caused a significant decrease in the frequency of visits to health centers during the six months afterwards, decreased absenteeism at work and even improved the enzymatic function of the liver. Similarly, those whose stories showed more distressing feelings also
They were able to improve the functioning of their immune system.
PART IV: AN OPEN DOOR TO OPPORTUNITY
12. THE FAMILY CRISIS
Family life is the first school of emotional learning; It is the domestic crucible in which we learn to feel ourselves and where we learn how others react to our feelings; It is also where we learn to think about our feelings, our possibilities of response and how to interpret and express our hopes and our fears.
Although some of the emotional skills may be established in relationships with friends, emotionally deft parents can do a lot for their children to assimilate the fundamental elements of emotional intelligence: learning to recognize, channeling and mastering their own feelings and empathizing and managing The feelings that appear in their relationships with others.
AN EMOTIONAL ADVANTAGE
The school performance of the child depends on the most fundamental of all knowledge, learning to learn. Let us now look at the seven key ingredients of this fundamental ability (for example, all related to emotional intelligence) listed by the report: trust, curiosity, intentionality, self-control, relationship, ability to communicate, cooperation.
THE ASSIMILATION OF THE FOUNDATIONS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Emotional learning begins in the early stages of life and continues throughout childhood. All the exchanges that take place between parents and children happen in an emotional context and the repetition of this type of messages over the years ends up determining the core of the attitude and the emotional capacities of the child.
13. EMOTIONAL TRAUMA AND REEDUCATION
(I do not include this point because I consider it less frequent, although you can find it in the book.
14. TEMPERAMENT IS NOT DESTINATION
To some extent, each of us has an innate temperament, moves within a specific spectrum of emotions, a characteristic that is part of the baggage that has given us the genetic lottery and whose weight is felt throughout the entire lifetime.
THE NEUROKIMICS OF TIMIDITY
People who are prone to shyness, have an innate neurochemical predisposition to the hyperexcitability of the amygdala circuit and this is why they avoid unknown situations, flee from uncertainty and suffer from anxiety. Conversely, those who have a nervous system calibrated to a higher activation threshold of the amygdala, are less fearful, more expansive and more willing to explore unknown places and meet new people.
NOTHING WORRIES ME: THE CHEERFUL TEMPERAMENT
There are people, whose emotions seem to gravitate naturally around the positive pole; Are naturally optimistic and carefree people. There are others, however, who are moody and melancholic. This dimension of temperament-excited at one end and melancholic at the other-seems to be linked to the relative activity of the right and left prefrontal areas, the upper poles of the emotional brain.
KEY MOMENTS
Each of the key skills of emotional intelligence has a critical period of development that lasts throughout childhood and provides a precious opportunity to inculcate
In the child constructive emotional habits or, if not, make it difficult to later correct any deficiencies.
PART V: EMOTIONAL LITERACY
This last chapter focuses on the consequences in childhood of the lack of emotional education. Because the summary is already too long, and I believe that the most important thing has already been mentioned, I do not include it and I encourage you to read it in the book if you are especially interested in that area.
What did you think of the content? Has it served you? Have you learned? Have you put it into practice?