The Constant partner discussions and Destructive Are like tobacco or alcohol: toxic, but also addictive, and when not You have create a kind of abstinence syndrome .
These toxic arguments generate a great discomfort in the relationship. It creates a climate of tensions that prevent happiness, peace and harmony.
Once you are immersed in them, it is difficult to know how to stop them, and even if you do not like them and do not want to have them, they happen again and again.
How to Stop Couple Discussions in 10 Steps
Stop playing games
In destructive discussions, one of the couple or both, seeks or seeks to win the discussion, give in their weak point, leave the other unarmed, than the other Feel bad, for you to gain power and to be in one position above the other.
After each destructive discussion, ask yourself the following questions: Has it served you to be happier? Do you feel better about yourself for having Do you feel safer with yourself?
It may, but it is a FALSE feeling of happiness / security. Do not forget. You're fooling yourself.
Stop playing this absurd game of getting power. Power, security and happiness are achieved in a very different way.
Analyze the real reason for the discussion
It is clear that a discussion of"why you have not scrubbed the dishes","why you answered me edge"or"why you have not booked restaurant if I told you That you did it,"may be cause for discussion, but not a reason to lead to a destructive discussion.
This requires further analysis.
If you often find your partner involved in destructive discussions, it is clear that one or both partners have or have conflicts Emotional problems.
These internal emotional conflicts often have to do with past experiences. Whether they are experiences in lived or negative relationships, conflicts Relatives and / or traumas of different nature.
These unresolved emotional conflicts are what trigger, in the discussions, Negative emotions Intense and uncontrolled.
Anger, anger, resentment or hatred are due to lived experiences that you have not managed properly. They are expressed and unleashed in the discussions with your partner Becoming destructive.
The emotion felt is so strong that it is aimed at wanting to destroy your partner and hurt him. After a while, when the waters calm down, you can Recognize that your reaction has been exaggerated and your claim was not to hurt him.
However, this can not continue to happen once in a while, as the relationship is gradually deteriorating and a more and more climate is being established. Negative in the couple.
Discuss what's behind each discussion, Is it so bad that you have not scrubbed the dishes? What really hurt me about all this?
Sit with your partner and help each other to discover the real reasons that lead you to the limit. For this you have to delve into your world emotional.
Break your emotional wall
It may be that, through these lived experiences of which I spoke, you have been building an emotional wall to not deal with those negative emotions and Thus avoiding suffering.
This wall or defense you have built gives you some security in your relationship with others, but it opens up an abyss in your intimate relationship with you. Couple that makes conflict resolution difficult.
Your partner is, among other things, to speak without fear of all your insecurities, fears and weaknesses. Do not get defensive, it's not you Aggressor but your ally, you just have to let it be.
Therefore, in order to analyze why you have become so furious or angry, you must pierce that emotional barrier that distances you from your feelings and To express them with your partner.
Do not be afraid to get in touch with your emotions, if you listen carefully, they will guide you to get a Greater welfare .
Be honest with yourself
It is important that you be able to recognize your mistakes at all times. This is part of the Emotional maturity .
Do not fall into the false myth that recognizing your mistakes and asking for forgiveness means lowering yourself. It is just the opposite. You will reach a higher level of Maturity and harmony when you are able to do so.
In reality the power, respect and the happiness Can only be achieved in one way: with love. The power and respect imposed, is not real; Since the Another acts as you want out of fear.
Instead, if you offer love to people and make them feel special, they choose you unconditionally.
If you are the one who usually recognizes mistakes and instead your partner does not, show him the way how to do it. You will teach him a valuable lesson that will It will bring inner peace.
How to have a constructive discussion
When you argue with your partner, avoid putting the spotlight on the counterattack. Counterattack only leads to escalating discussions with danger That lead to destructive discussions.
A better option is to look internally at what you've done wrong to make your partner startle.
If the discussion is increasing in intensity, take a break, tell your partner that you need some time to think and then you will take up the matter again.
It is important that you return the matter and not let it pass. If you let it pass and you do not talk about what happened, it gradually accumulates Anger and resentment, which at one time or another will come out in the form of destructive discussion.
Once you have relaxed, start the talk by expressing what you think have been your mistakes. This way you can reduce the defensive position in the That surely is your partner.
Then explain how you felt. This way of focusing is important and I explain why in the next step.
Just as you express how you have felt, you should also try to find out and understand how your partner has felt.
Once you have put the feelings in common, it is important that you come to an agreement on what to do or how to act next time so that you do not go back to repeat.
If you have difficulty having a relaxed chat since every time you try it increases the tone of voice and tension, I advise you to go to a place public. The presence of other people will make you control and you can talk in a more relaxed way.
Speak from the excitement
A professor of the university told me one day something that has really worked for me to this day:
When you are in an argument, always speak from your emotion:"I have felt hurt because..."instead of"is that you have done such a thing to annoy me".
If you speak from your feelings, that is something that no one can refute, since the feelings You just feel them and nobody else. Instead if you do Interpretations of what the other has done, always leads to disagreements without solution.
Therefore, do not make interpretations about what the other has said or done but how you have felt yourself. This will help to reduce the intensity of Discussions and the other person can come to understand you with Greater ease .
Do not avoid the discussions, learn to discuss
It often happens that one of the couple tries to avoid conflicts not to argue.
As I said at the beginning, it is normal to discuss and not just normal but it is useful and productive if you follow these steps and you get to an understanding and mutual agreement.
In fact, couples who do not argue can never have a bigger problem. Usually this is an intimate relationship, which relate to each other From the surface. So that leads them to have no reason for discussion but also no privacy.
When there is something that bothers you about your partner or does not look appropriate, do not keep it.
The danger of keeping what one bothers of the other, is that a moment arrives that the person explodes, and does it in an uncontrolled way. And that is something Which you must correct.
It is not a matter of avoiding discussions, but of learning to discuss.
Express him from the calm and serenity how you feel when he / she behaves that way. Remember to always talk from your feeling. Not judging Their way of acting.
If your partner gets angry and turns on, then it is clear that now the problem is he / she who is not able to recognize their mistakes and speak from respect. You should return to step 2 and 3.
Celebrate that you have successfully resolved the discussion
You have taken some time to think, you have sat down to talk to your partner about the discussion you have had, you have understood his feeling and he / she Yours, you have thought about how to act next time so that the same thing does not happen again.
Very well, you did it, but do not leave it there, celebrate that you have Reconciled and that you have reached an understanding.
This great effort and happy ending must be accompanied by a reward.
So go out for dinner, watch a movie in a hug or enjoy a good sexual encounter to help you reconnect.
Prevent possible relapses
As I said at the beginning of this article, destructive discussions are like tobacco or alcohol, and like any drug you have to prevent possible Relapses.
For this, it is important that you take care of the relationship. It is not just a question of trying not to have destructive discussions but also to generate a climate General of peace and love within the couple.
This climate of peace and love does not only appear, but requires your effort and dedication:
Express to your partner frequently what it means to you.
Speak to him with the same respect that you like to do.
Occasionally have some detail to him / her that makes you smile.
Express him from time to time the things you like about him / her.
If you apply the tips I have told you and take care of the relationship in the day to day, the destructive discussions will be part of the past.
Go to couples therapy
If, after deliberately implementing these tips, you observe that destructive partner discussions continue, it is time to consider the couple therapy.
As I said earlier, destructive discussions are given because one or both partners have emotional conflicts Resolved.
It is not easy to solve internal emotional conflicts for oneself, since many times one is not aware of them or is aware but not Knows how to approach or manage them.
In that case, I recommend you have the help of a professional to guide you through this process. Remember that we are always there to help you.
And what do you do to avoid destructive partner discussions? Your opinion will help readers. Thanks!