100 Funny sarcastic and ironic phrases

We live in a sarcastic society. Throughout the world and from many people you can find sarcasm; Newspapers, news, movies, internet...

I leave you 100 sarcastic and ironic phrases Funny, some said by historical figures like Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Oscar Wilde, Carl Sagan, Woody Allen and of course, Groucho Marx .

Ironic sarcastic phrases

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Do you know any more? Write them in the comments!

1-Sometimes I need what only you can give me: your absence.-Ashleigh Brillian.

2-It's a catastrophic success.-Stephen Bishop.

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3-I do not want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to get it without dying."Woody Allen.

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3-A good listener often thinks about something else.-Kin Hubbar.

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4-Meeting the television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go to another room to read a book.-Groucho Marx.

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5-The only thing worse than talking about you is that they do not talk about you.-Oscar Wilde.

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6-People appreciate the small things you do for them. And that's how you prevent them from asking you to do something else.-Author unknown.

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7-I believe in luck. How else to explain the success of those you do not like? -Jean Cocteau.

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"I'd like to take you seriously, but to do it would be to offend your intelligence."George Bernard Shaw.

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"I feel miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."Ashleigh Brillian.

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10-The problem with children is that they can not be returned.-Quentin Crisp.

11-It often seems a little sad that Noah and his family did not miss the boat.-Mark Twain.

12-He has the ear of Van Gogh for music.-Billy Wilder.

13-When people are free to do what they want, they often imitate others.-Eric Hoffer.

14-I never forget a face, but in your case I will make an exception.-Groucho Marx.

15-Do something productive. Stop being yourself.-Author unknown.

"I'm not young enough to know."Oscar Wilde.

17-I had a perfect evening, but it was not this.-Groucho Marx.

18-You are a habit that I would like to kick. With both feet.-Author unknown.

19-History has taught us that man and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all alternatives.-Abba Eban.

20-Some people like my advice so much they frame it on the wall instead of using them.-Gordon Dickson.

"I may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly.""Winston Churchill.

"I've never killed a man, but I've read a lot of obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow.

23-Stay with me and I will never look at another horse! -Groucho Marx.

24-Stay with me, I want to be alone.-Joey Adams.

25-We have the best government money can buy.-Mark Twain.

26-I have not talked to my wife in years. I did not want to interrupt her."Rodney Dangerfield.

27 -Why should we accept the pope's sexual advice? If you know anything about sex, you should not!""George Bernard Shaw.

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"My opinion may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right."Ashleigh Brilliant.

29-As a child I used to pray every night to have a new bicycle. I realized that the gentleman does not work like that, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.-Emo Philips.

30-He has no enemies, but his friends hate him intensely.-Author unknown.

31-I can do many things at the same time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.-Ashleigh Brilliant.

32-If you find it hard to laugh for yourself, I'll be happy to do it for you.-Groucho Marx.

33-Get facts first, then you can distort them as you want.-Mark Twain.

34-The person who asks you to be yourself could not have given you worse advice.-Author unknown.

35-I never let the school interfere with my education.-Mark Twain.

36-He is a self-made man and he adores his creator.-Irvin Cobb.

37-When I was a child I was told that anyone can be president and I start to believe it.-Clarence Darrow.

38-I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be imperceptible.-Mark Twain.

39-Marriage is the main cause of divorce.-Groucho Marx.

40-100% of Americans are 99% idiots.-George Bernard Shaw.

41-Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.-Mark Twain.

42- To be sure to hit the target, shoot first and call what you have given"the target".- Ashleigh Brilliant.

43-If you're one in a million, there are six million people just like you. -Author unknown.

"I did not go to the funeral, but I sent a letter saying that I approved."Mark Twain.

45-She loves nature despite what she did to him.-Forrest Tucker.

"I tended to put my wife on a pedestal."Woody Allen.

47. A psychiatrist is a guy who asks you many expensive questions that your wife does for nothing.-Joey Adams.

"If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there are a finite number of idiots."- Steven Coallier.

49-Reader, imagine that he was an idiot and that he was a member of Congress. But I'm repeating myself.-Mark Twain.

50-Has never been known to use a word that can send the reader to the dictionary.-William Faulkner.

51-Poor Faulkner. Do you really think big emotions come from big words?""Ernest Hemingway.

52-I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-Fred Allen.

53. Do you hate your job? Why did not you say it? There is a support group for that. It's called everyone and they look at the bar. -Drew Carey.

"Nothing so strongly fixes something in memory as the desire to forget it."Montaigne.

55-Experience is wonderful. It allows you to recognize an error when you commit it again.-Author unknown.

56-For your information, I would like to ask a question.-Samuel Goldwin.

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I will defend to death your right to say it.""Voltaire.

58-You need plastic surgery, not a doctor.-John Cleese.

59-Every time I look at you I have a fierce desire to feel alone.-Oscar Levant.

60-A clean conscience is usually a sign of bad memory.-Steven Wright.

61-I would love to be better strangers.-Unknown author.

62-Consumers are not stupid; Your wife is part of them.-David Ogilvy.

63-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am because I hate plants.-Whitney Brown.

"It's always black before it becomes absolutely dark."- Paul Newman.

65-His ignorance is encyclopedic.-Abba Eban.

"I am easily satisfied with the best.-Winston Churchill.

"It is not necessary to understand things to discuss them.-Caron de Beaumarchais.

Many people are little more than employed of their possessions.-Frank Lloyd Wright.

"You never stop to think; It's really hard to waste time with your own thoughts.-Unknown author.

"You can be anything you want; However, in your case you should aim low.-Unknown author.

71-Never leave for tomorrow what you can leave for the day after tomorrow.-Mark Twain.

"We did not miss the game; We're out of time.-Vince Lombardi.

73-Someone who thinks logically provides a great contrast to the world.-Author unknown.

74-The problem with common sense is that most people are silly.-Unknown author.

75-If you do not read the newspaper, you are not informed; If you read this uninformed.-Mark Twain.

Any woman can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand and look stupid.-Hedy Lamarr.

Being stupid, selfishness and good health are three requirements for happiness, but if stupidity is lacking, everything is lost.-Gustave Flauber.

"I like you." People say I do not have good taste, but I like you.-Author unknown.

79-Cienmil sperm and you were the fastest? Unknown author.

80-I want more corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.-Ashleigh Brilliant.

81-A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.-Abba Eban.

82- Be careful about reading health books. You could die of an error.-Mark Twain.

83-The word aerobic comes two Greek words: aero, which means habiliad for, and bic, which means to endure a tremendous boredom.-Dave Barry.

84-Do not accept treats of strangers unless they take you somewhere. -Author unknown.

85-Do not thank me for criticizing you, it was a pleasure.-Author unknown.

"I could say that you're lying: your lips move."Author unknown.

"If you were twice as intelligent as you are now, you'd be utterly stupid."

"I'm impressed; I've never known such a small mind in such a big head.""Unknown author.

-Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.-Unknown author.

90-You're not as bad as people say, you're much, much worse. -Author unknown.

91-You have an inferiority complex and this is completely justified.-Unknown author.

92. Never waste an opportunity to shut up.-Unknown author.

93-Those who think you know everything are annoying to those who know everything.-Carl Sagan.

"I'm busy." Can I ignore you for a little longer?""Unknown author.

95-Life is like a roller coaster and I'm about to vomit.-Author unknown.

96-The first problem of this country is apathy, but who cares.-Author unknown.

97-If a stranger offers you a treat, take two.-Author unknown.

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure of the first.-Albert Einstein.

"A prisoner is a man who tries to kill you and fails, then he asks you not to kill him."-Willston Churchill.

"I'm so smart that sometimes I do not understand a word of what I say."Oscar Wilde.

"The eternal dilemma: too tired to get up, too awake to go back to sleep.

"If you do not want a sarcastic answer, do not ask a foolish question."

103-The meeting between procastinadores has been postponed.

"They want to see you grow. But never more than them. Remember it.

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